Breathe: A Love’s Complicated Novel Read online

  It’s there I sit in his lap melting into a puddle when the tears fall. But for the first time in a long time, they’re tears of joy. Tears of love.

  “I love you too,” I say to him and lightly press my lips to his. “I’ve wanted to tell you since you were in the hospital. That was the defining moment for me.”

  “So, you’ve loved me all these weeks and didn’t tell me? What kind of girlfriend are you?” He teases before kissing me. The kiss melds into a hot and heavy make out session that makes me glad I’ve finally bared my soul to him. We’re a tangle of limbs and hearts when we curl up letting sleep overtake us.

  Chapter 17

  It’s been six weeks since the accident and I’m thankful Matt is doing better. He’s back at work—light duty for a bit longer but at least getting back into his routine. I’m both equally shocked that we’ve fallen into a routine and scared that the other shoe is going to drop. But instead of focusing on the negative, I allow myself to enjoy the time we spend together. Overall, that makes everything less . . . I don’t know, less something. I am still struggling to trust my feelings and fully invest in our relationship after Jake.

  “What are you working on now,” I question Chris, who has been staring at me the whole time I’ve been lost in my own world.

  “Since we have more time than last year, we’re already working on the plans for New Year’s Eve,” he says.

  “Can you top last year? It was pretty epic.” Chris threw the most elegant and beautiful New Year’s Eve bash I’ve ever been to.

  “Of course, I can top it, but remember each event has its own spirit. Last year was the golden year. This year we have something totally different but equally magnificent in mind.” Chris is spectacular at what he does.

  “Ohhh, tell me,” I beg. We’ve always shared so much, but he is very quiet about his events until they’re under way.

  “When it’s time, doll. When it’s time.”

  I huff and he laughs. It’s the same routine each time I ask, but I will continue because that’s my role as sister.

  “You’ll never guess who called me,” I say. And I’m right, he won’t guess.

  “Michelle Obama?” Of course, my brother would be a smart ass.

  “Nope. Crazier.”

  “If it’s crazier, then I can’t begin to imagine.” He gets up and walks to the fridge. “Want anything while I’m up?”

  “Water please.” He brings me a glass of cold water, the only way I’ll drink it, and a cup of tea for himself.

  “Geoff Starling,” I say right as he takes a sip of the hot liquid. I know it’s hot because he spits it out and all over me.

  I jump up from the table and the chair flips behind me as I pull my shirt away from me. “Chris!” I shout.

  I have a feeling that Chris had a thing for Geoff when we were younger but never said anything. Geoff is an amazing friend and I assume Chris didn’t want to jeopardize our friendship, so he never acted his feelings.

  “Sorry,” he says before grabbing a towel and tossing it to me. “You’re right. I wouldn’t have ever guessed that. How is he?”

  Deciding I’m not wearing a coffee-stained, white shirt all day, I say to Chris, “I’m snagging a shirt from your spare closet,” and walk straight into his extra bedroom.

  “That’s fine. They’re for donation anyway.”

  Shocking. Chris loves clothes so much but he transitions his closets each season which means I can always find something to wear at times like these.

  When I come back into the kitchen, he’s cleaned up the coffee mess and, not missing a beat, begins peppering me with questions.

  “How is he? What’s he up to? Is he married?”

  “Honestly, I don’t know much. He called to tell me that he’s opening his own firm and asked if I’d consider moving to Texas to work for him.”

  “Well . . .” he says.

  “I don’t know. Things are going well with Matt and I’m basically living with him. I don’t think I want to move right now. Six months ago, I’d have said yes for sure.”

  My mind spins a thousand miles a minute as I tell Chris all about my conversation with Geoff. I haven’t seen him in years but we tend to have one long call to catch up a couple times a year, so this came as a complete shock. Considering the three of us have been friends since high school and our moms are still close, I tend to hear all the gossip from Mom.

  “It’s a really big decision. And you should at least tell Matt about Geoff’s call.” Always the serious one. Or maybe he’s just the one with sense when it comes to romantic entanglements.

  “I don’t want to stress him out. He’s got enough going on with the accident and getting back to work.”

  “I agree. He does. But he also cares about you and that means you need to be upfront with him,” Chris says.

  “He loves me,” I say, whispering.

  “He what? Did you say he loves you?”

  “Yeah.” That’s exactly what I said, though I wasn’t sure I said it loud enough for him to hear. “I mean, I love him too. So that’s good.”

  This is the first time I’ve had this conversation with anyone other than Matt. Honestly, I didn’t anticipate having it today with Chris, but I’m not shocked.

  “I love Matt—so much. But that doesn’t mean I’m ready for more of this,” I say holding my hands up to the sky shaking them. “Whatever this is.”

  “Look, sis. I love you and only want what’s best for you. I know Jake did a number on your heart, but you really need to put it behind you.”

  I point at him like he’s in trouble before I interrupt him. “Seriously, Chris. Not only did Jake rip out my heart and stomp on it, he wormed his way into my mind causing all kinds of chaos. Then he ripped out my soul and set it out to sea, never to return to this body again.”

  “Geez, Amber. You don’t have to be so damn dramatic.” He laughs and then gets up and walks to me and gives me the awkward brother hug.

  “It’s not dramatic Chris. It was life altering when it happened.” I take a deep breath before continuing. “But after talking to Phoebe, I realized I had to stop blaming him and being afraid to love again.”

  This isn’t a conversation I’d usually have with him, but I need him right now. He’s always steered clear of my relationship issues but he has no problem butting into to our friends lives. I asked him why once and his response was so interesting. “It’s not that I’m not concerned and want to help, Amber, but when we talk about relationships, inevitably it turns to sex and I don’t want to know about your sex life. Just like I don’t want to discuss mine with you. So, I’d prefer you talk to Sutton—or even Mom—about this.”

  “I’m glad to hear that you’re concentrating on moving forward and letting go. Each morning when you wake up take note of who you think of first. Since you’re living with Matt, I’m sure it will be him. Then at the end of the day think about all the wonderful things you did or accomplished that day.”

  “That’s a great idea, “I say. “How about you come with me to Geoff’s for the weekend? If you go then you can’t accuse me of running.” I smirk at him because he knows I’m right.

  “Fine, I’ll go with you. It will be nice to catch up.” He sounds exasperated but I know deep down, he’s excited to see Geoff.

  “Yay. I’ll call Geoff and tell him we’ll come.” It’s a good idea to get away for a bit. Even if for no other reason but to consume all the tacos and margaritas we can in one weekend.

  After hanging up, I call Matt to let him know what we’re doing. The phone rings once and he picks up.

  “Hey,” I announce when he answers the phone.

  “What’s going on.” The lightness in his voice tells me that he’s glad I called.

  “Chris and I are at his office hanging out,” I tell him. “I got a call this morning from an old friend that we grew up with. Geoff wants us to come visit him in Texas for the weekend. Would you be okay with that?” I get up from the chair I’m sitting in and walk t
o the window looking at the city below.

  “Go have some fun,” he responds to my question. “But just tell me one thing about this Geoff guy, have you ever had sex with him?”

  I bust out laughing and almost drop my phone. “No.” I can hardly answer him because I’m laughing so hard. “Never. I don’t play for his team.”

  “Well then, go have a great weekend.”

  “Love you, I’ll see you tonight,” I affirm before hanging up.

  The next call I make is to Phoebe to thank her. If I hadn’t gone to see her I wouldn’t have told Matt I loved him. I call her cell and it goes straight to voicemail. Deciding that she may not be up to talking, I text her but get no reply. The lack of response gives me a bit of anxiety so I look up the number to the hospital and ask them to connect me to her room.

  “Hello,” Jake says when he answers. His voice is thick with emotion.

  “Jake, is Phoebe okay?” I can feel my heart breaking into a million pieces as I ask him, knowing the answer.

  “I’m sorry, Amber,” I hear him sniffle. “She died just a little while ago.”

  The sobs rack my body and I sink to the floor holding onto my phone as if it’s a life line. I hear him crying on the other end of the phone and it breaks my heart even more. “I’m sorry, Jake. I can’t imagine how you’re feeling.”

  “It hasn’t been easy,” he says. “I’m clearing out her personal items now and then heading to my parents’ house.”

  “I know you guys are going to have a lot to deal with, but please let me know when the services are.” Never did I think I’d be at a funeral for one of my closest friends.

  “There won’t be a service for a while. She decided she wanted to be cremated and for us to have a celebration of her life on her next birthday.”

  That sounds like Phoe, the life of the party who always found a way to celebrate everything.

  “I’d like to attend when you guys decide to do it,” I say. And then before I chicken out, I continue, “Jake, I just need to get this out . . . I forgive you. One of the last things Phoe said to me was that she wanted everyone in her life to find love and be loved. I’ve found someone and he’s the one my heart beats for.”

  I can picture Jake leaning against the windows staring at the bed, totally speechless.

  “Just know, I’ve let go and wish you nothing but the best. Please give your parents my love and I’ll see you at the party.”

  I drop the phone to the floor beside me and that’s where Chris finds me and does his best to console me. “Come on, doll, let’s figure out when we’re going to Texas,” he says. He smiles at me in acknowledgement of my feelings. But he’s never been a wallower and he isn’t going to let me go back into the darkness I’m finally coming out of.

  Chapter 18

  We’ve been in Texas for two days and I’ve consumed my weight in all things margaritas. Add in tacos, enchiladas, and queso and I’m certain my pants won’t fit next week when I go back to work. Geoff planned the whole weekend and we’ve seen many different parts of the Dallas area including AT&T Stadium and Southfork Ranch where Dallas filmed. Today’s plan includes brunch at Company Café before heading to Nasher Sculpture Center to wander through the art and relax.

  “Did you check in for your flight?” Chris yells from the bathroom where he’s working on his hair. I swear he may appear to be easy going and casual but the hair takes time. So. Much. Time.

  “Of course, I did. I don’t want to be last on the plane,” I answer as I make my way through Geoff’s apartment back to the kitchen for another cup of tea.

  “I don’t know why you worry about it. If you have a ticket, you’re going to get on the plane,” he says with attitude.

  “I know that,” I say rolling my eyes. “But I don’t want to be so far back in line that I have to check my bag. That’s no bueno.”

  Geoff’s apartment is so spacious. It’s twice the size of the one that Jake and I had in Chicago, and for much less based on what I’ve learned this weekend. Housing is cheaper and larger in Texas.

  “I can’t get over the size of this apartment, Geoff.”

  “Well, you know what they say—everything’s bigger in Texas—and they mean it.” Yeah, yeah. We’ve all heard the joke.

  I wonder what my parents would say if I decided to take the job here. Technically, I can be an administrative assistant anywhere. What Texas doesn’t have is Matt.

  “Geoff, the job is such a great opportunity. I wish it was in Chicago because I wouldn’t think twice about taking it. But I’m finally in a good place after Jake and I love Matt. Plus, I don’t want to leave my family.” I place my cup on the bar and walk over to give Geoff a hug. “But I’ll always come visit you.”

  He hugs me back and I think he knew I wasn’t going to take the job. It just isn’t right for me at this time in my life.

  “I understand, but if you ever need me—or a job—give me a call and I’ll help in what ever way I can.”

  “Deal . . .” Before I can finish my sentence a wave of nausea hits me and I run straight to the bathroom pushing Chris out of the way. I barely make it to the toilet before vomiting all over the pristine bathroom. Hot tea is smooth and flavorful going down, but all acid coming back up. Thankfully, we hadn’t eaten anything yet or . . . well, you get the picture.

  “Shit, Amber. Are you okay?” Chris stands behind me and pulls my hair from my face.

  “Ugh,” I moan, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand. “What on earth is going on?”

  I don’t even think twice about what may be lingering on the seat as I lie my head down. Sweat is pouring down my back and I’m pretty sure I’m dying. Yes, I’m being dramatic. But if you knew me at all you would know that I’d rather die than barf. Because once I start I can’t stop and my body heaves for hours.

  “I think I have a bug of some sort,” I half moan, half growl before losing what is left in my body.

  The retching doesn’t stop for what feels like days but is probably no more than five minutes. By then Chris is holding a cool damp cloth on my forehead and telling Geoff we may need to cancel our plans for the day.

  “No. Don’t cancel anything. You guys go, have a good time. I’m going to shower again and curl up in the bed for a while and see if this passes.” Whatever demon has taken up residence in my body needs to vacate before our flight tomorrow or it will be an even longer day.

  “Are you sure?” Geoff asks from the hallway.

  “Absolutely. I don’t want to share this with you guys and these things tend to only last for a day or so but are super contagious. Get out of here. Go get some sunshine and eat chicken and waffles for me.”

  Ugh. The thought of food makes my stomach roll again. “I’m going to do my thing and then curl up and sleep. Can you grab some ginger ale on the way back?”

  “Sure, sis,” Chris says. “If you’re sure you want us to go, we’ll be back in a couple of hours. Just call if you need anything.”

  I nod in reply because if I say anything else, I’m going to hurl again and that’s the last thing I want to do.

  I hear the front door shut a couple minutes later and decide I need to get up and wash the nastiness off and clean the bathroom before a nap. Shockingly, I manage to do all the things within about half an hour before I crawl in the bed and allow sleep to take me away.

  As the afternoon progresses, I wake up to the bed dipping beside me and Chris whispering my name. “Amber, are you okay?”

  I pull the covers up over my head and grunt at him. He knows I hate to be woken up, especially when I’m sick. But I know he means well.

  “Yeah,” I grumble. My voice is hoarse from the yacking and my head feels like someone replaced it with a bowling ball. “I’ll be fine. I just need something to drink.”

  “Here,” he says holding a cup of chipped ice and ginger ale.

  I pull myself into a sitting position and reach for the drink. I take a long gulp before saying, “Thank you.”

  Geoff pops
his head into the bedroom and I give him a halfhearted smile. “We brought some Pho home in hope your stomach could handle that.”

  “Thanks. That sounds good actually. How about I meet you guys in the living room in a few?” The guys leave and I make my way to the bathroom. I do my business and brush my teeth again before heading into the kitchen to make a bowl of soup.

  “What are you guys watching?” I ask as I sit down in the corner of the couch, propping my bowl on chest and letting the warmth seep into me.

  “Just surfing right now. There isn’t much on regular TV,” Chris says.

  “Do you have a preference?”

  “How about a comedy?” I ask.

  “That sounds great,” the guys say in unison.

  I’m not picky about movies. Mostly because every time I sit down to actually watch one, I fall fast asleep and they both know that so they choose something they like.

  I sip my soup and pray that it stays down. After a few minutes of the guys channel surfing, they settle on The Hangover. It doesn’t take long before the guys are howling at the television and I’m curled up in the corner sleeping. When I wake up, the movie is still playing and I’m finally feeling better. Prayers of thanks run through my head because flying home while sick isn’t something I want to do.

  For the rest of the day, we decide to hang out at the apartment complex’s pool. The sun always makes me feel better so I head over to a chaise lounge to fall in love with a super-hot, tattoo artist from New Orleans.

  Chapter 19

  Even though the nausea hasn’t subsided, I make it through the flight without retching on the plane. I’m not sure if I should go to Matt’s and expose him to this or just go to my parents’ house. In a split-second I decide to go to Mom and Dad’s.

  “You guys, I’m going to grab a car to visit Mom and Dad for a bit since Matt is working.”