Breathe: A Love’s Complicated Novel Page 10

  “I appreciate that, but until I go back to work, we’re down two men and I need to be there.” I know he’s frustrated. Matt’s independent and prefers to take care of everyone else. Carrigan is a prime example. He met her after her smoke alarm went off because she caught a bagel on fire. From then on, he was there for anything she needed. In the beginning, he was the same with me. No expectations. Just willing to do anything for either of us that we needed or wanted. Even when he can’t do all the things he shows his love through both his words and actions.

  When I met Carrigan I never anticipated that she would be the catalyst to help us create a whole new group of friends which includes Matt, Ryan, and Kyle from the firehouse.

  “How’s Kyle doing?” Chris asks.

  “He’s doing better,” Matt says. “We’ve been texting a bit and he’s home and trying to get settled. He said his mom comes by every day and stays while he showers in case he falls.”

  Everyone starts laughing because that has to be all kinds of awkward. But Mom hushes us. “He’s very fortunate to have a mother who lives close and can help him.” That’s just like Mom. Always reminding us to be thankful.

  “Yeah, he’s grateful, and a little embarrassed.”

  “I can understand that,” Dad says. “Let’s hope that she does some laundry too or you guys will need to install cameras to make sure he doesn’t trip and fall trying to dig out something clean from the back of the closet.”

  By the time we finish catching Mom and Dad up on all the guys, I decide to tell them about Phoebe.

  “Do you remember Jake’s sister, Phoebe?”

  This is the first time I’ve willingly brought up Jake since I discovered that he was a cheater. Chris’s eyes widen in shock.

  Dad speaks up first. “Of course, we do,” he says then looks at Mom as if he doesn’t know what else to say.

  “Well, the night of my birthday, when I was leaving Lemon and Lavender, I ran into Jake. He said he decided to take a chance and come to the restaurant to tell me about Phoe because he knew I’d be there.”

  Matt reaches for my hand and grips it, giving me all the encouragement I need to continue.

  “What about Phoebe?” Mom says, her concern obvious.

  “She has a brain tumor,” I say trying to keep the emotion out of my voice but it cracks anyway.

  Mom slaps a hand over her mouth and then the tears start to flow. She’s such a sensitive, empathetic person. It wouldn’t matter if I told her that Jake is the one with the tumor, she would still be heartbroken for him and his family. It’s just who she is.

  “They found out a couple of weeks ago and the doctors haven’t given her much time.”

  Dad reaches over and grasps Mom’s hand much like Matt did for me. Dad has always done that when he knew Mom was suffering or needed strength and it’s nice to know that Matt has some of the same qualities as my dad.

  “I’m so sorry, Amber,” Mom says through her tears. “I know that you girls were friends.”

  I still need to tell Matt the details about what happened with Jake. He knows Jake is my ex, but he doesn’t know what actually went down between us. I turn my head toward Matt and we lock eyes. “I’ll explain everything when we get home tonight,” I say. He just nods in agreement.

  “Is she in the hospital?” Chris inquires.

  “I’m not sure. She was there the night Matt had his accident.” I take a swallow of my water before continuing, “I went to check on her before heading home that day and we had a good conversation. I’ve reached out a couple times since but she’s not been up to talking so I just leave messages with whoever answers to let her know I’m thinking about her.”

  “I’m glad you took some time to see her. You’d regret it later if you didn’t.”

  “Thanks, Mom.”

  She gets up from the table and places her plate in the sink. Dad rises and asks us to pass our plates and he collects them to rinse and load into the dishwasher while Mom pulls her dessert from the extra refrigerator in the garage. We’re all watching as she takes the lid off the cake keeper that turned into more of a surprise dessert container many years ago. She sets the lid to the side and turns to Dad to ask him to get some plates out for her when he finishes. Then she starts cutting while Chris and I roll our eyes.

  Running out of patience, Chris says, “Stop stalling, Mom. What are we having tonight?”

  Kevin slaps at his hand and then laughs before bringing Chris’s hand up to his mouth for a kiss. I love that they’ve found each other. They’re such a good fit. “Be kind to your mom,” he says, “or I’m going to eat your portion.”

  That brings a chuckle from everyone at the table, because the one thing we all know is that if there is dessert around, it will find its way into Chris’s stomach. And it’s just the levity needed after such a heavy topic of conversation.

  “Keep dreaming, buddy,” Chris says and we all smile.

  When Mom turns around with a giant piece of lemon cheesecake with candied lemons on top, I shout, “Yes,” and fist pump. “Thanks, Mom.”

  I jump out of my chair and run to squeeze her before taking the first piece and putting it in front of my chair.

  “Hey, what about me?” Matt says. “I’m the guest, so I should get the first piece.”

  I shake my finger at him. “You touch that piece and you’re dead, mister.”

  “You can have the next one, Matt,” Chris says.

  “It’s a tradition. If it’s cheesecake, Amber always gets the first piece because she thinks it’s the best one.” Dad lays out the Burke family dessert rules for Matt. “We don’t bother to argue the point with her, we gave up years ago.”

  I walk back and forth between Mom and the table placing cheesecake slices in front of everyone. “Anyone need anything else?” I ask. “Ask now because once I sit down, I’m not getting up again until this creamy goodness is in my belly.” I pat my stomach and smile.

  Mom and Dad come back to the table and we enjoy our dessert. The conversation flows like we’ve always been having dinner together. It’s nice to have this comfort level with Matt and my family. Jake and I had been together for years and I don’t think I was ever this relaxed when he was here. That confirms the fact that Jake wasn’t the one for me.

  Everyone finishes eating and the guys head to the patio with Dad while he smokes his after-dinner cigar. He’s been doing this for as many years as I can remember, maybe my whole life. Mom doesn’t like the fact that he smokes, but they’ve come to an agreement that he can do it on the weekends after dinner and only outside. When he finishes, he comes inside, goes straight into the bathroom to brush his teeth, and then finds Mom and gives her a kiss.

  I help Mom clean up the mess we’ve made while she makes us each a cup of tea and we move into the sitting room to talk. Our sitting room is nothing more than Chris’s former bedroom that she’s added bookshelves and a couple of comfy chairs to.

  “Let’s talk,” she says as we walk down the hallway.

  I have a feeling I know just what she wants to talk about and even though I don’t want to, I’ll do it. For her.

  “I don’t want to talk about Jake, Mom,” I say.

  “I know you don’t, darling, but does Matt know exactly happened between you and Jake?”

  “No,” I say, hanging my head. “He needs to know everything, but I just don’t want it to interfere with what we have going.”

  “Honey, it’s already interfering because you’re allowing it to. If you hide the things that hurt you, there will always be something that keeps you from truly trusting him.”

  “I understand what you’re saying. I am already planning to tell him when we get home tonight.”

  She smiles at me with a smile that only a mother can give her child. One of pure joy and happiness.

  “So, his house is home now?”

  Oh shit. Did I just say that? “Well, maybe. I’m not sure.”

  I take a sip of my tea and then stare out the window watching the
sun set in the distance. “I love being with him and I feel comfortable . . .” I say, my voice trailing off.

  “Just tell him how you feel, honey. I know that he cares for you deeply, I’ve known that for a couple months.”

  “What do you mean,” I ask. “How do you know this?”

  “Your dad and I love you very much and we’ve noticed how you talk about him. I know that you think you are just friends, or friends with benefits as the young people say. But each time I’ve seen you all together, he looks at you with stars in his eyes.”

  “And you’re just telling me this now? Why didn’t you say something before?” I blow out a deep breath in frustration. “I hate this,” I blurt out. “How did you notice, but I didn’t?”

  Mom gently sets her tea down on the table that holds her book and comes to sit with me. “It’s okay, honey,” she says while skimming her hands over my leg. “There are times in our lives when our hearts don’t recognize what our eyes see. You’ve been unwilling to see because of what Jake did to you, but you’re changing. You’re opening yourself up to love and I know your life will be brimming with Matt’s love, if you let it.”

  I turn and place my cup on the windowsill before turning back to Mom and giving her a hug. She’s right. I am changing. Not because someone told me to but because I want to.

  “Thanks for listening. I know I need to talk to him and I promise I’ll do it tonight.”

  “I’m not the one you need to keep your promise to. Keep it to yourself so you can let this weight go.”

  That’s what I’m going to do. Come hell or high water, I’m going to confess my fears to Matt so we can move on and I can officially move in.

  Chapter 16

  “Can we talk?” I ask with a mouthful of toothpaste. I’m not excited about having this conversation but I know we need to and the sooner we do it the better off we will be.

  “Sure,” he says as he strips off his clothes and climbs into bed. I’ll never get tired of seeing his strong and lean body.

  I spit into the sink and rinse both my mouth and the bowl. I swipe my lips with balm before continuing my nightly ritual. When I finish washing my hands, I turn off the light and proceed to the bed. Sitting on the side, I strip my pants off and pull my bra through the arm holes of my shirt before lying back and scooting until I’m facing Matt.

  “At dinner, I promised I’d catch you up on my history with Jake and though I hate to bring him into your bed, I feel the closest to you here. Are you okay with this?” I ask.

  “Amber, this is our bed. Not mine. I know he’s your past. Though I may not know the details, I know that he hurt you. And because of that, I don’t like him, or respect him. But your feelings are yours alone and I’m willing to listen to anything you have to say.”

  I reach my hand up and stroke his face. He takes my hand from his face and presses a kiss to the inside of my wrist. Until him, I never thought someone kissing my wrist would give me butterflies. Honestly, I never even considered that anyone would ever kiss someone’s wrist, much less mine.

  A sigh escapes my lips before I continue.

  “In the beginning, Jake was great.” I stop and sit up to turn off the lamp on my side. I curl my knees up to my chest and lay my head on my arms.

  “I graduated and moved back to Chicago trying to figure out what was next for me. Things were busy for him. He was starting his career and trying to make his father take him seriously and I was trying to find a job. I started working at the law firm and found a small apartment that was perfect for me. He stayed with his parents and went back and forth between Chicago and Milwaukee.”

  Breathe, just breathe, Amber. There is no reason to be anxious.

  “We’d been together for over six years when he came back from a trip and told me that he was moving out of his parents’ house and found an apartment in Streeterville. I was so excited because I thought that meant that he was going to settle down, with me. It wasn’t long after that, he asked me to marry him and I said yes.”

  Matt sits up and pulls me into his lap. “Take a breath, I can see the panic taking over. You’ve got this. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Count with me.”

  I shake my head. “I don’t count out loud. Only in my head.”

  He runs his fingers up and down my spine trying to soothe me. “Then I’ll count for you. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Focus on your breathing.”

  I do and it works. I reach for his other hand and link my fingers with his.

  “I was so excited to be getting married. I gave up my apartment. Sold most of my belongings and what I wanted to keep, I took to Mom and Dad’s. We set a date and I bought a dress. A beautiful, gorgeous, over the top wedding dress.”

  Pulling my hands free of his, I press my fingers into the corner of my eyes, trying to stop the tears. Why am I still crying when I talk about this? It’s so silly.

  I swipe the tears away and keep talking. If I stop now, I’ll freeze up and won’t ever tell him.

  “We’d been living together a couple months and it was Jake’s birthday so I decided to take the day off and make it a special night for us. I went to the spa and got waxed, did the shopping, and planned to make him a cake from scratch.”

  Matt raises his eyebrows before speaking. “You got waxed? That’s even better than the song that talks about shaving your legs for a date or something.”

  That gets a smile out of me.

  “Yes, I waxed for him. What a waste that was.”

  I scoot off his lap and cross my legs in front of him. “That was the day my life changed. When I got home, I heard the shower running and went to check. When I got to our bedroom, there were high heels on the floor in front of the bed and a woman’s clothes laid out on top.”

  Wasps have taken up residence in my belly instead of sweet butterflies. My face is pink with flush, but not the good kind. The kind of flush that comes with anxiety and stress. Breathe, you’re almost finished, I tell myself.

  “I waited for her to exit the shower and though she screamed, now that I think about it, she didn’t seem too shocked to see me. That should have been my first clue.”

  “Did you throw her out on her wet ass?” Matt asks.

  “Not exactly,” I say. “I told her to get dressed and leave but she refused. So instead of yelling at her, because I didn’t know what to say, I let her talk. She told me she could explain and who was I to tell her no.”

  “Love, if she was the other woman, you absolutely could have taken her stuff and thrown her out.”

  “See, that’s the thing. I didn’t want to.” For the first time, I actually say the words out loud. “I didn’t fight. It was obvious she was telling the truth.”

  “Ah, I see. Jake wanted power more than he ever wanted love.” Suddenly it clicks. It wouldn’t have mattered if I was the most gorgeous woman in Chicago, he wasn’t going to be faithful to a woman he didn’t really want. He just knew that it was important to have a woman who wouldn’t ask questions while she looked good on his arm.

  “Let me make sure I understand you. For years, he was dating you and the other woman? What did he plan to do after you got married?”

  “I gather he never planned to go through with the wedding.”

  “What do you mean ‘you gather’?” He furrows his eyebrows in confusion.

  “I don’t know what his plan was. After she finished telling me the whole sordid tale, I decided to pack my things and leave.”

  “That’s it? You didn’t scream, yell, scratch her or anything? You just left?”

  I’m not sure if he’s excited to hear that I kept my crazy from unleashing itself onto Lotte or if he’s concerned.

  “That’s it. I left my keys on the table and walked out, never to return.”

  “Wow. Just wow.” It’s obvious I’ve left him speechless. “I don’t know what to say to that.”

  “There’s not much for you to say. After I left, I stayed with Chris for a bit before I moved back into my parents’ house. If you want t
o be humbled, go to your parents to ask them to move back in as an adult. It’s one of the most difficult things I had to do.”

  “I’m sure your parents were fine with you moving back in. They’re wonderful people who love you and Chris so much.”

  He’s not wrong. I do have wonderful parents. But I also have my pride and at that moment, I had to suck it up and tell my parents the nasty truth.

  “It’s never fun explaining that you allowed yourself to be cheated on the whole time you were with the man you thought loved you.”

  “No, that’s probably not the most fun you’ve ever had,” he says and smiles. I know he’s trying to make me laugh, but I’m having a hard time with that right now.

  “It’s not. The worst part wasn’t confessing to my parents but what came next. Chris and Kevin helped me move my things back to Mom and Dad’s and I set up my high school bedroom. I took the posters off the wall and put up my full-size bed from the garage. I felt like a complete failure.”

  “Oh, love, I’m so sorry that his actions have caused you so much pain.” Then he kisses the inside of my wrist again.

  “Why do you do that?” I ask him.

  “Do what?” he responds continuing to hold tight.

  “Why do you kiss the inside of my wrist?”

  “Before I was a fireman, I couldn’t decide what I wanted to do with my life. I took some classes to become a paramedic and one of the things I learned was to press my fingers against someone’s wrist to see if they have a pulse. On New Year’s Eve, when we came home from the party, you were so strong for Carrigan. When I reached out to hug you, our hands collided and I pulled you close, I could feel your pulse as I gripped your wrist.”

  “You kissed my wrist that night,” I say. “It was the first time I’d ever experienced it and thought you were a bit odd.” I laugh, when I say it out loud.

  “You thought I was weird? Wow, that’s a blow to the ego,” he declares, laughing at me. I slap him on the arm and he chuckles even more.

  “I’ve never done it to another woman, but when I’m with you it feels right. It feels like us. It also gives me a beat on how you’re feeling. I know you’re not ready for more than whatever we are now, but I’ll wait until you are,” Matt says. “I love you. No matter what your past is, I love you.”