Breathe: A Love’s Complicated Novel Read online

  If I was going to make a list of things I wanted to do with my life, finding out my fiancé has a pregnant girlfriend wouldn’t even make the cut.

  After five minutes of just sitting and letting my mind spin, I decide to give myself twenty-four hours to wallow and deal with everything. Squeezing half the bottle of body wash into my palm, I rub my hands together and scrub my body from top to bottom trying to rid myself of the dirty feeling still lingering. Then I make a mental note to call Dr. Jane for an STD test.

  A quick wash of my hair, then I’m out of the shower and drying off.

  I wrap the giant bath towel around me and plod back to the bedroom I’m sleeping in. A bag of clothes sits on the floor that is bound for donation, so I pull out a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt. It doesn’t matter that it’s summer in Chicago, I am not going anywhere today so the sweatpants will do.

  My day is spent watching romantic movies on Netflix, inhaling pizza, and screaming at no one. If someone was peeping in the windows, they would think I was crazy and call the authorities. Unfortunately, I’m not crazy—just a broken woman.

  When I said I wasn’t going to call him, I wasn’t lying. However, I did unblock his number long enough to send him a couple messages.

  Amber: Your PYT has your key.

  Block.

  Unblock.

  Jake: Let me explain.

  Jake: Amber! Call me!

  Amber: I hate you. I hope she treats you the way you treated me.

  Amber: Actually, she deserves better than you.

  Block.

  Unblock.

  Amber: I hope you get the clap.

  This time I giggle as I send the text. Who in this day and age gets the clap? Don’t people know better than to have unprotected sex? Wait, of course, Jake didn’t get that memo with Lotte being pregnant and all that. Maybe she should get tested for the clap.

  Block.

  The front door opens and Chris walks in as I’m trying to hide my phone and wipe away the tears. Carrying a bag of what I hope is Ben & Jerry’s, he heads into the kitchen while scolding me.

  “I saw you hiding your phone. Have you been texting him all day?” He places the bag on the counter and opens the freezer. I watch him slide three different types of ice cream inside before closing the door.

  “Of course, I was. I can’t stop myself. I am not responding to him and each time I send one, I re-block his number.”

  “You really need to change your number so you don’t have to deal with him. Or do you secretly want to get back with him and just don’t want me to know?”

  “Are you crazy? He’s a two-timing asshole. I don’t want him. I just want him to suffer,” I say as I get up from the sofa and stomp into the kitchen.

  The kitchen is on the smallish side, but that doesn’t stop me from pacing back and forth around Chris.

  He holds his hands up in surrender pose. “Hey, I’m just asking. If it were me, I’d look for someone to help me slash his tires and write a Facebook post about his douche canoe ways.”

  “Whatever,” I say to him and snicker. “You talk a good game but you wouldn’t do it. Because if you did, then everyone would know your business and you hate that.”

  Chris doesn’t respond but starts pulling ingredients out of the pantry and fridge. I’m not sure what he’s making, but as long as I’m not the one cooking, it doesn’t matter.

  “You are not wrong about that. I don’t need anyone in my business other than me.” My brother has always hated nosey people, which I find terribly ironic considering the types of people he deals with on a daily basis as an event planner. Busy body mothers, demanding fathers, bridezillas, and more.

  I plop my butt into a chair and watch him moving about the kitchen. He opens a bottle of wine and I hear the slight pop sound of the cork releasing. Less than a minute later, a glass of my favorite malbec is sitting in front of me.

  “Drink. Relax,” he says.

  So that’s what I do. I drink and watch him cook.

  Chapter 3

  Twenty-four hours of wallowing plus one really good night’s sleep means today is the beginning of my new life. I pace the kitchen in search of the dark brew that runs through my veins and I spy a note from my brother in front of the coffee pot.

  The creamer is the in the fridge and there is a new box of pods in the pantry. Make sure to eat while you’re drinking. See you tonight. ~ Chris

  By the time I’m two cups in, it’s after three in the afternoon and I’ve made my list of things I need to do today, what’s left of it anyway.

  No. 1 - Ask Chris to cancel all the plans for the wedding and be understanding if we can’t get our deposits back.

  That’s going to be hard if it happens, because my parents have paid out a lot of money so I can have the wedding of my dreams. No one counted on Jake’s betrayal.

  No.2 - Call the bridal salon and cancel the order for my dress.

  Jake is going to take the hickey and be out the thousand dollars that he had to put down for the order, but that’s less than the ten grand it was going to cost by the time it was all over. And I don’t care if he gets his money back. He made his bed, he can lie in it.

  No. 3 - Place a food order to be delivered.

  Until I figure out what’s next for me, I’m going to have to feed myself—us. Chris and Kevin, his boyfriend, have been great to me so far. Since they’re the cutest couple ever, they don’t have much in the way of breakup food other than the ice cream Chris brought home last night.

  No. 4 - Let Sutton and the girls know that the wedding is off.

  They’ve been my friends since we were young and I’m sure there will be much conversation about how to get even. I don’t want to talk to anyone, so I take the chicken shit way out and send a group message.

  Amber: Hey! Apparently, December 1st isn’t a good day to get married, so you are off the hook for the bloodred bridesmaid dress. If you’ve ordered it already, send Jake the bill. It’s over and NO, I don’t want to talk about it.

  Sutton: WTF? Seriously, what did he do now?

  Bri: What happened?

  Phoebe: No! Do I need to kill my brother?

  Amber: Phoebe, he’s all yours to do with what you wish.

  Bri: Yeah, we’ll keep the dresses . . . right?

  Sutton: Bri! We’re not keeping the dresses.

  Sutton: Do you want to talk about it?

  Amber: NO!

  Phoebe: Are you okay? Truthfully.

  Amber: No, but I will be in time.

  Bri: Should we bring ice cream?

  Amber: I have ice cream. It’s the number one breakup food.

  Bri: Wait, where are you?

  Amber: I’m at Chris and Kevin’s.

  Bri: If you need something, just call.

  Phoebe: I’m calling you as soon as I have a break. Answer your phone.

  Amber: Let’s chat later. I’m not up for rehashing it again.

  I toss my phone on the counter and head to the refrigerator. Digging through the freezer for something to cook, I discover ground sausage behind the ice cream and decide I’ll make a “Mom special” dinner tonight. When Mom didn’t have ground beef to put in sauce, she would replace it with whatever she had and we started calling it the “Mom special.”

  Which reminds me . . .

  No. 5 - Call Mom and Dad to let them know the wedding is off and that I’m staying with Chris and Kevin.

  Ugh. I can’t stay here forever. I’m going to have to suck it up and ask my parents if I can move back home. But that’s for another day.

  A couple hours later, the sauce simmers on the stove and I’ve made it about half way through my list of wedding breakup tasks. That’s what I’m calling all the things I have to do because of jackass Jake’s dirty little secret.

  “How ya doing?” Kevin says as he strolls into the kitchen and gives me a side hug. Kevin and I are still getting to know each other, but he loves my brother and that means I love him. Chris soon follows and walks straight to t
he stove.

  “Is that Mom’s red sauce?” He points to the pot where the heavenly smell of rich tomato sauce is coming from.

  “Sure is. One ‘Mom special’ coming up. I needed something to do today and I wanted comfort food. This is the best I could do with what you guys had on hand.” I stand up to move toward the stove to see if the pasta water is boiling yet.

  “You guys hungry?” I know the answer to this because Chris is always hungry. I wish I was blessed with his metabolism, but alas, I must lace up my sneakers and pound the pavement to stay in shape.

  “I assume that’s a rhetorical question,” Chris says and laughs. “You know I’m always down for some of Mom’s cooking.”

  “Well, before I feed you, I have one more thing to check off my list of things to do today. I need to officially tell you that the wedding is canceled.”

  “You know we won’t be able to get most of the deposits back, right?” Chris asks.

  “Those deposits are a small price to pay to not be married to jackass Jake.”

  “Do you—”

  I interrupt Chris before he can finish.

  “No, I don’t want to talk about it, but I’ll tell you the thirty second version over dinner so you understand why I refuse to go back to him.”

  I turn to see the water boiling and place the spaghetti noodles in and running them around the edge of the pot to soften up. Chris sets the timer for eight minutes and I start grating the parmesan. By the time I’m finished grating and cleaning up the cheese mess I made, the pasta is perfect. One quick drain and we all load up our bowls with the “Mom special.”

  The three of us sit at the table in silence and slurp the rich tomato goodness into our mouths. I place my fork down and take a sip of my wine, when Kevin asks the million-dollar question.

  “All right, Amber, what happened?”

  I take a deep breath and make eye contact with him before beginning.

  “Jake is having an affair and she’s pregnant. Even worse, he bought her the same ring that he bought for me, just without the promise of something more.” I take another drink of my wine before continuing.

  “Apparently, she’s known about me from the beginning of their relationship. Apparently, she gives him something I don’t sexually.”

  Both guys just stare at me with their mouths hanging open. I pick up my fork and take another bite.

  “Wow,” says Chris. “I’m not sure what else to say. This is not what I expected.” He slams his hands on the table and everything bounces.

  Kevin pipes up, “Take a deep breath, Chris. Let’s not make this any harder for Amber than it already is.”

  Chris gets up from the table and takes his bowl to the stove for another serving of pasta and sauce.

  “That explains why you’re canceling all the wedding plans,” he says as he sits back down.

  I nod at him. The table is quiet while we finish our dinner and the guys process what I’ve just told them. I slide out of my chair move toward the sink to clean up my mess. While they finish eating, I make a container of leftovers and load the dishwasher. When I’m almost finished, I get the bowls from the table, rinse and load them to be washed.

  “Now that you’ve processed—at least partially—the news, do you have any questions?” Even though I don’t want to talk about it, because sharing makes it real, I know I need to be open with them.

  “What else would you like to tell us?” Kevin asks. He seems to be the more level headed one in their relationship. I take my place back at the table and swirl the wine in my glass.

  Chris barely lets him finish before demanding answers. “It’s time for answers, Amber. When you needed me to pick you up and then refused to answer my questions, I gave you some space. But we need to know what’s going on.”

  Kevin places his hand on Chris’s before shushing him. “Chris, we all deal in our own way.” Chris rolls his eyes and smiles. They really are so cute together.

  “There isn’t much more to say, he didn’t think I was giving him everything that he needed.”

  Chris is the first to ask, though I know they’re both thinking it. “What the fuck does that mean? Not giving him ‘everything’ he needs? You gave up your apartment, sold most of your stuff, and continued to work for that asshole when you could have done so much more with your life.”

  “Stop it, Chris,” I say. “You don’t have to belittle my job because you’re mad at Jake. Yeah, Mr. Ryan is difficult to work for, but it’s a good job.”

  “I’m sorry,” he says. “It’s just that I know that you had dreams of leaving here and traveling the world, but when you met Jake you decided you’d be a good society wife.”

  “Dreams change, just like people. Thankfully, I found out about Jake before I married him.”

  The guys hold their glasses up in a mock toast. “Truth,” Kevin says before getting up and grabbing another bottle and the opener. Looks like we’re going to be here a while.

  “Do you guys mind if I stay for a few more days until I figure out what’s next?”

  Chris and Kevin look at each other. I have no doubt they’ve probably already had this discussion because Chris knows that I don’t do well in a crisis and even though he didn’t know the details, he knew it was bad.

  “Of course, you can stay, Amber,” Kevin says.

  “But you have to tell Mom and Dad by Friday or I will.”

  My jaw drops. It’s not like I don’t plan on telling them—see item five on my to do list—I just want to do it in my own time. That time includes figuring out how I’m going to ask them to move back home.

  Choosing not to answer his demand, I say, “While I’m here I will cook for you guys so you don’t have to. It’s the least I can do.”

  “That makes this deal all the more worth it,” Kevin says and smiles at me and swallows the last of his wine.

  “Thanks, you guys, I really appreciate it. Maybe one day I can repay you. Until then, I’ll cook.”

  They both get up and pull me out of my chair for a hug. Kevin steps back, Chris squeezes me tight. “It’s gonna be okay, sister, I promise.”

  Chapter 4

  I startle awake and sit straight up in a panic. Sweat is running down my temples and my hair is sticking to my neck. I feel like I can’t breathe and at the same time as though I need to go for a long run. I place my hand over my heart and feel the hard and fast thump as it works overtime.

  “Breathe, Amber,” I say to myself. The feeling of having your body run a thousand miles an hour and not being able to stop it is scary.

  I turn to look at the bedside table and see that it’s almost five in the morning, almost time to start my day. When I dream, it’s usually as though I’m watching myself in a movie. Those nights I tend to wake up feeling like I’ve been running, not as though I need to go do it.

  I sit in the dark trying to catch my breath and slow down my heart. Swinging my legs to the side of the bed, I get up and walk around the room. I don’t want to wake everyone up so I pace back and forth in the small space trying to focus on something else. Alaska. Arizona. Arkansas. California. Colorado. Connecticut. The creator of the song probably thought they were teaching elementary school kids the states in order, not helping someone focus on something other than the panic coursing through their veins.

  After what feels like an hour but is actually only minutes of walking back and forth, I finally get my breathing under control. Bending over at the waist, I place my hands on my knees and drag a deep breath into my lungs before standing up straight.

  Then I realize it’s been one week since I left Jake and my life was upended. This week, I have been trying to create a routine which includes working, running, and not infringing upon Chris and Kevin’s time together. They’ve been really good about me being here, which I appreciate, but I know won’t last much longer.

  It doesn’t help that I’ve not told my parents yet. I know that they only want me to be happy, and to be honest, my father didn’t really like Jake anyway
. But Mom, I think she is a bit smitten with him and the way he gave me anything and everything I wanted. Except, he was lying to me the whole time.

  By the time Friday rolls around, I know I need to just do it. Work is busy this week so I try to stay focused while I’m there and I do a great job of it until Paula, the receptionist, comments on my ring.

  “Girl, every time I see you I feel like a creeper because I stare at your ring.”

  Looking down at my left hand, I realize I’m still wearing my ring even though Jake and I are not together anymore. Just one more thing to add to the list of jackass Jake removal items.

  “Don’t worry about it,” I say. “I know you’re not a creeper and the ring really is gorgeous.”

  “You’re a lucky woman,” she says as the walks out of the lunch room.

  Lucky? I’m not sure that I’d classify myself as lucky. Angry. Damaged. Annoyed. Yes, I’m all those things but not lucky. Unless you consider finding out your fiancé is a cheating bastard lucky.

  By the time I get home to Chris and Kevin’s, I’m exhausted. The week has gone by like a turtle running through peanut butter and I’ve avoided my parents enough. Tomorrow I’ll tell them. But tonight, I’m going to order pizza from Roots, make a giant salad, and enjoy a glass or two of wine.

  “Honey, I’m home,” I yell to Chris and Kevin as I stroll in the front door. They aren’t usually home when I arrive but I love saying it anyway. It was my favorite part of watching sitcoms when I was a kid. The husband always yelled “Honey, I’m home” as he walked in the front door after work.

  “We’re here too,” my father yells back. “It’s family dinner night.” I can hear the excitement in his voice.

  “There is a bottle of wine open on the table,” Mom says. I’m going to need that bottle, I think to myself.

  “Be right in. I’m going to change into something comfortable first.” I dart down the hallway before anyone can trap me and I have to face my parents. In any other situation, I’d prefer to be dressed up because confidence comes in a perfect little black dress and heels. But I know wrapping myself in comfort before starting this conversation is paramount to my mental state. Plus, no one wants to clean snot off laundry before taking it to the dry cleaners.