Breathe: A Love’s Complicated Novel Read online

  I unsnap the buttons that run up the front of my dress and hang it on the back of the door before pulling a pair of yoga pants and T-shirt out of my bag that sits just outside the closet. I could have put my stuff in the closet when Chris brought it to me, but that would have felt more permanent and this is anything but. On my way out the door, I grab a hair tie off the dresser and throw my hair into a messy bun.

  Walking into the kitchen I see Kevin pouring a glass of wine. “Don’t forget me,” I say with a lilt to my voice.

  “We could never forget you,” he says. I give him a slight smile and grab the wine. It doesn’t take much for the conversation to begin as Mom starts giving Chris directions on where to find the plates and how to set the table.

  “I’m pretty sure I know where the plates are, Mom, since it’s my house.” Chris can’t help but laugh at our mom because she’s always been this way. She’s a caretaker and one way she does that is by cooking us meals. However, she has always given directions so that we do things the way she thinks they need to be done, even when we’re not at her house.

  I reach for the plates that Chris is carrying and set the table so that I can keep busy while the conversation flows around me. Mom and Dad are talking about a trip they want to take for their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary next year and the guys just keep nodding and saying, “uh, huh.” Mom will talk about the same thing over and over and forget that she already told us because she is so happy about it.

  “How’s Jake doing? What did you guys do for his birthday?” my mom asks.

  I don’t have any time to prepare an answer so I just say the first thing that comes to mind. “I wouldn’t know, but you can ask Lotte.”

  Everyone is staring at me. Yep, I just told them everything they needed to know without actually saying the words. A look of confusion crosses my father’s face. His left nostril is flaring and his bushy eyebrows are drawn together.

  “Who the hell is Lotte, and why would we ask her? You’re his fiancé.”

  Chris looks at me and without words asks me if I need his help. I shake my head. I can do this. Do I want to? No, but I can handle the mess that is my life.

  “I think we need to sit before we have this conversation.” I point toward the table before continuing, “Do you need help with anything, Mom?”

  “I will take the roast and salad to the table if you can get the potatoes out of the oven and put them in the basket lined with a towel.”

  “Sure,” I say quickly. Less than two minutes later, the food is on the table and we’re in our seats with wine in front of us with another bottle on the side board, standing guard and ready for our greedy hands.

  Mom and Dad look at each other, neither wanting to be the one who makes me cry. Kevin decides to start the conversation and says, “Before Amber provides us the dirty details of her life, we should probably start eating so the food doesn’t get cold.”

  I don’t know what he sees in my brother, but I’m so glad they found each other. His kindness knows no bounds and extends to all of us—all the time.

  It’s time to confess my sins to the father—my father. I look down at my ring, then I tilt my head back and look toward the ceiling. I close my eyes and pray I can make it through without sobbing.

  “You okay, sis?” I look at Chris and force a smile on my face before nodding.

  I reach for my wine glass and say, “I’m only going to do this once. That’s it. I don’t think my heart can handle confessing this again. Pay attention and please save your questions until I finish.” I down a large swallow of my favorite red that the guys must have bought in honor of my impending breakdown.

  All eyes are on me as I start at the beginning. They’re pretty good at not interrupting me until I announce that Jake was cheating on me and the woman is pregnant, then a melody of audible gasps rings through the room.

  Chris reaches out for my hand and gives it a hard squeeze.

  “When I asked her to leave, she refused.” I slide out of my chair and move to the fridge for a bottle of water.

  “Oh no,” Mom says under her breath.

  “According to her, I wasn’t fulfilling his needs and she was. So instead of fighting about it, I called Chris, packed up my things, and left.”

  I decide at that moment to take my ring off because every time I look at it I get angry and there is no reason to keep something on my body that makes me that mad. I sit it next to my wine glass before I pick it up again. Then I gesture to Kevin to open another bottle.

  “You see this ring? The one I just took off? She has one identical to it. Apparently, it was easier to buy two of them, so that’s what he did. She wasn’t even upset when she saw me wearing my ring. My mind is boggled at the fact that she is okay with the way he’s treated us.”

  I can tell that everyone is bursting with questions. Mom dropped her fork and it clattered to the floor. Dad hasn’t taken a bite since I started talking.

  “Go ahead, ask whatever you want. The bug-eyed expression on your faces tells me you’re dying of curiosity.”

  Mom starts first. “What the fuck? Did he think that he could marry you both?”

  We all start laughing at Mom dropping the F-bomb. She may look all prim and proper on the outside, but she’s not above dropping a well-placed fuck when it’s necessary.

  “What? You all know that word is appropriate for this situation. It’s not like we are polygamists. One man. One woman—or man.” She turns to Chris and Kevin and smiles. “That’s more than enough with the personality running through these veins.”

  She’s correct. Every one of us has a big personality, even Dad. His is just a bit more controlled.

  “I have no idea what he thought. I didn’t give him a chance to explain. He’s her problem now.” As soon as I say that, I take a deep breath and smile. It’s the first time that I realize, walking out and not looking back is the best thing I could have done. If I had stayed and confronted him, I’d still be there. He would say that she’s lying and just wants him back but that he wants to be with me. He wouldn’t have changed and I’d be constantly anxious and jealous. That is no way to live.

  “You just left?” That’s Dad. He’s to the point.

  “I did and I’ve been here ever since, trying to figure out what’s next.”

  “Chris,” Mom starts, “I know now isn’t the time, but what about the wedding . . . and the fees.”

  This breaks my heart. My parents have never been wealthy, not like Jake’s family, but they have both worked so hard to give us a good life. I knew they didn’t have much money for a wedding but they started putting down deposits the minute I asked. Even if it was just a portion. They were determined to pay for as much as possible. Their pride stopped them from asking for help from the Adams family.

  Chris is calm when he responds, “It’s already been taken care of. Amber canceled as much as she could and I did the rest.” My mom looks both terrified of what’s coming next and angry that we have to deal with this. “I tried to get some of the deposits back but you’ll only get a portion. I’m sorry I couldn’t do more.”

  “The money doesn’t matter. The only thing we care about is Amber.” Dad reaches for Mom’s hand and she leans into him with tears running down her face.

  “Your father is right, I’m just worried about you.”

  “Thank you for caring, but there is something else . . .” They both look at me with a blank look in their eyes.

  “Remember when I moved in with Jake?” I say trying to keep the emotion out of my voice.

  “Of course. It was only a couple of months ago,” Mom says.

  “Dara, let the girl talk.” That gets a chuckle out of her.

  “I am, I am,” she says.

  “Well, I let the apartment go and sold everything I wasn’t taking to Jake’s.”

  This is miserable. What woman ever thinks that she’s going to have to move back in with her parents at twenty-nine-years-old because she can’t take care of herself.

&nb
sp; “Oh, honey, don’t worry about that,” Dad pipes up. “You can move back in with us until you find a new place.”

  Wow, that was much easier than I anticipated. I didn’t even have to ask, he knew where I was headed.

  “Really? Thank you so much.” I hit my knees on the table as I jump up and go hug my dad. “You guys are the best.”

  Then I hear Chris say, “I told you they wouldn’t care.”

  Kevin snickers and comments back, “Now isn’t the time to say I told you so—about anything.”

  We all laugh.

  “Now let’s finish our meal. We don’t want all your mother’s hard work to be for naught.” A relaxed silence overtakes the room while we focus on the food in front of us.

  Chapter 5

  Six Months Later

  I’m standing outside of Forever, a new up and coming restaurant that is hosting a singles night for Valentine’s Day. You would think with a name like Forever they’d cater to those who were already in a relationship or married but they’ve planned a singles night instead. Which means I’m standing outside in line with a bunch of people who are wondering if they are going to meet their “perfect match” on the most clichéd night of the year.

  It’s freezing cold and the snow is starting to fall. This is nothing new for February in Chicago, but that doesn’t mean that I like it. Would you like to be standing outside in a line full of single people looking for the next best thing in a pair of kelly-green Manolo Blahniks and the perfect little black dress? Let’s not forget my black-leather collared, white wool coat hitting mid-thigh . It’s an outfit that’s a little bit sassy and a little bit sexy. The perfect combination for a night out. The girls have been trying to get me to go out more, they keep saying “Put yourself back out there, Amber.” So this is me “putting myself back out there.”

  The cold wind brushes against my legs and up my dress setting off shivers all over my body. The Valentine’s Day shivers are usually from a man not the Chicago wind. Rubbing my legs together, I try to get rid of the goosebumps that are overtaking my skin.

  My friends, Carrigan and Sutton, agreed to meet me here so I didn’t have to do this alone. Yet, I wasn’t in line two minutes when I received a text telling me that they weren’t going to be able to make it but to have fun.

  “Really,” I say to no one in particular.

  I can’t believe they are leaving me hanging, especially Sutton. She knows what I’ve been through over the last six months. Carrigan, not so much. Even though we’ve gotten close, every time I think I can tell her about Jake, I begin to panic and I can’t open that wound again.

  “Really!” I recognize the voice but I’m not sure where it’s coming from. I turn left and right and then I see Matt standing a couple people behind me.

  “Matt!” I say a bit higher pitched than I’d like. “What are you doing here?”

  “Well, Carrigan called and she didn’t want to leave you alone tonight, so I volunteered as tribute.” He smiles and I get a sneaky suspicion that this may have been the plan all along, but I’m not even a little bit upset.

  Last year, Carrigan went through a hard time with Whit and in the middle of it met Matt. Whit reminds me of Jake more than I’d like to admit. He’s bit of a two timer who’s looking for the next best thing. Though, I may have had to eat a bit of crow when I found out that it was a bit more complicated than just cheating. Doesn’t mean I like him, but I decided to support Carrigan no matter what.

  There wasn’t anything romantic between Carrigan and Matt, but he is a good friend to her. We’ve all hung out a couple times as a group, I don’t see him often though because he is a fireman and works long hours that don’t coincide with my eight-to-five lifestyle.

  Carrigan told me that he’s into me but I’m not sure how to handle that. Even though dating is natural, I’m scared to get into another relationship. I know, cart before the horse, but it still causes me anxiety. Honestly, if Matt has feelings for me, I’d like for him to be the one to tell me. Besides I much prefer the friends—with benefits—mode more than the idea of trying to define a relationship.

  Matt interrupts the women standing between us and points to me while saying something I can’t hear. They both smile and step aside to let him pass.

  We stand in line chatting and laughing for a couple minutes before we make it to the front of the line. I pull my phone out of my coat pocket and show it to the doorman. Matt slides his phone next to mine. Our tickets are scanned, then the doorman silently nods to me before going inside to check with the hostess. When he comes back out, he points to us and says, “Have a good evening folks,” then ushers us inside.

  Matt leans over and whispers in my ear, “I know you’re glad you don’t have to face this crowd by yourself.”

  “You’re correct, sir. I was considering bailing and spending the night at the movies watching the latest blockbuster and eating a large popcorn by myself.”

  He laughs at this. I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m joking but, in reality, a dark theater is more enticing than putting on airs tonight.

  He reaches for my hand and lifts it to his face, then he twists my hand and pulls the inside of my wrist up to his lips and places a kiss on it. Shivers run down my spine.

  I wish I could let go of the suspicion and paranoia I have with men. Let go of the control over my feelings, my emotions. But I’m not there yet. Not after what I’ve been through with jackass Jake. I know Matt is a great guy—he makes me laugh with his wit and humor—and that’s enough for me to know right now.

  We move into the dimly lit space and let our eyes adjust before following the crowd. There are white twinkle lights everywhere—even crisscrossing the ceiling. The white lights combined with the dark wood stain creates a romantic atmosphere. There are tables lining the perimeter of the restaurant—middle tables have been removed for a make shift dance floor.

  I scope out a table in the back corner and point to it as Matt maneuvers us through the throngs of people. There’s a group of men standing by the bar and the women are near the edge of the dance floor. The whole thing feels a bit like a middle school dance. The tables by the windows are full but it doesn’t look like very many people have coupled up. I notice with the change in music there are some folks swaying to and fro on the dance floor.

  We make it to the table I spotted before anyone else grabs it and I start to unbuckle my coat. Matt helps me take it off, then hangs it on the back of the chair that he’s pulled out for me.

  “Your seat, milady.”

  I giggle at his attempt at an English accent. It is just what we need to break the ice.

  “Thank you, kind sir.” I look down batting my eyelashes and bring my hand to my chest. Then we both crack up.

  “So,” he says, “did you have a plan for tonight or are we just winging it?”

  I’m not sure how to respond. It is supposed to be a night out with my girlfriends. Things happen for a reason—at least most of the time—and I am still trying to figure this one out. “Eh, no real plans other than enjoying the night, whatever that may mean.”

  “So, you’ll be open to whatever happens tonight?” he asks and I get the feeling he has something up his sleeve.

  “Sure, why not? Let’s just roll with it.”

  “Great answer, now what would you like to drink? I’ll head to the bar to get us started.”

  He rises from his seat and I take in his mussed, caramel-colored hair and his bright green eyes. He has a genuine look of happiness on his face that can’t be faked.

  “Champagne, please.” This isn’t a difficult decision for me. If we’re out on a date tonight, I’m going to celebrate like it’s a real one.

  “Be back in a flash,” he says as he turns to walk to the bar. I am unashamedly staring at his backside while he stands in line waiting for our drinks. He positions himself with his shoulders back and his feet hip width apart. Every muscle in his body is contracted and on high alert as if he’s ready for anything. I wonder if that include
s me?

  Chapter 6

  About an hour into the night at Forever—and three drinks later—Matt pulls me to my feet and walks me to the dance floor. The first couple of seconds are awkward until Matt draws me to him and we begin to sway together. I feel my body start to loosen up as the music flows. I lean my head onto his chest and I can feel his strong heartbeat as he wraps his arms around me. Etta James’s “At Last” comes on and we keep swaying together. My face heats up with the connection of our bodies.

  When the song ends, we walk back to our table hand in hand. Such a simple thing, but I’m allowing myself to enjoy the moment.

  “I’m going to take a quick bio break, I’ll be right back,” I say as we approach our table. He squeezes my hand and lets go before taking his seat. I’ve always hated telling a man that I needed to go pee. That sounds so crass and not at all my style. I heard a woman say bio break one time and it stuck. I mean everyone knows what happens in the bathroom, no need to announce the details.

  The ladies’ room is just as you’d expect during a singles event—full of women dressed up for a night out. I do my business and wash my hands before touching up my lipstick. The warmth that I felt while dancing with Matt is evident in my rosy cheeks.

  I stop at the bar for a couple drinks, before making my way back to our table. Matt stands and takes the drinks from me.

  “Thanks for the drink,” Matt says. His parents raised him right as evidenced by his good old-fashioned manners. Each time we’re together, whether it’s in a group or not, he holds doors and pulls out chairs for the women. It’s totally swoon worthy.

  “You’ll never believe what I heard while you were gone,” he says. “Some guy was trying to pick up a woman with the cheesiest line ever.”