Breathe: A Love’s Complicated Novel Read online

  The nurse shakes me awake and points to the clock, it’s after five already. “You should go home and get some rest. He’s going to be sleeping the rest of the night.”

  I sit up and move to the edge before sliding my shoes back on. “Will he be okay? I can come back if you need me,” I say.

  “He’s in pretty good shape. Go home and get some rest and come back in the morning.” She pats Matt’s leg and when he opens his eyes, she hands him the thermometer to swipe across his forehead.

  “Just write your number on the board over there, and we’ll call you if anything changes. But I am sure he’s going to sleep all night.”

  I do as she asks and print my name and cell on the board before walking back over to the bed. He hands the thermometer to the nurse and I lean down to give him a quick kiss. “Take care of yourself and I’ll see you in the morning.”

  “Can you have Ryan bring a bag by tomorrow? I’d really like to brush my teeth and have some clothes to wear home.”

  “I’ll do you one better,” I say. “I’ll bring it when I come back in the morning.” I smile at him and blow a kiss before placing my bag on my shoulder and heading out the door. Once I’m in the hall I say a little prayer that nothing happens tonight and he’s doing even better when I return in the morning.

  Before leaving the hospital, I decide to stop by to see Phoebe. The trip to her floor doesn’t take very long. Her room is at the end of the hall and the door is slightly ajar. When I peek inside, the room is dark and a curtain is pulled to shield the bed from the door.

  “Knock, knock,” I say, stepping inside.

  “In here,” Phoebe responds.

  I make my way to the other side of the room where her bed is behind the curtain and near the window.

  “Hi,” I say awkwardly. I met Phoebe early in my relationship with Jake when he sprang a family dinner on me. I was fortunate that even though his family is wealthy, they are the exact opposite of what I expected rich people to be like. His mom didn’t have a nanny or a chef, but she did have a housekeeper. When I asked why, I laughed at her response. “Growing up, my chore was to clean the bathrooms and I have three brothers. I vowed if I ever had enough money, I’d pay a housekeeper to come every week, just so I didn’t have to wipe up urine off the side of a toilet and the floor.”

  Phoebe is exactly like her. Down to earth and so much fun. But standing here now, staring at her in the hospital bed, I don’t know what to say.

  “I’m not going to break,” she says. “Come give me a hug.” She holds her arms out and I do as she asks being careful not to jostle any of the lines running from her IV pole. We haven’t seen each other since Jake and I broke up and I didn’t realize how much I missed her. We used to get together for lunch every few weeks, but our relationship is a casualty of her brother’s duplicity.

  I take a step back and look her up and down. Her color is good and she still has all her hair. I’m not sure what I was expecting when I walked in but I’m glad to see her smile.

  “How are you really doing? And tell me the truth.” I sit down on the edge of the bed and listen as she tells me the story of how she got here.

  I let her talk and try not to interrupt her, but I have questions. “You mean to tell me that you were having headaches for six months and didn’t think to ask your doctor about them.” I shake my finger at her.

  “Actually, I did tell him. My blood pressure was a bit high and with all the hours I was working, I didn’t have time to take off, so I asked him to give me meds.”

  “I’m so sorry, Phoebe, I really am.” As humans, I don’t think we can ever prepare to say goodbye to those we love. When it’s unexpected, it’s even harder.

  “Don’t be sorry,” she says. “It’s not anything you can control—and neither can I.” Her voice is flat and without emotion.

  “The best thing about being here is the morphine.” She leans over and pulls the pump closer to her bed.

  “You see this?” She points to the machine attached to the pole. “The doctor inputs a vial of morphine and then when I need it, I just push this button.” She holds up the button that controls her dosage.

  “I can’t overdose because it only allows me a certain amount for a set time.” She smiles as she talks about the meds. Phoebe has never been one for taking meds or being out of control so I know she really needs this.

  “So how often do you have to use it?” The curiosity getting the best of me.

  “Depends on the day. Some days maybe once or twice a day, and other days, I use it as often as I’m able. It helps with the pain and gives me just enough of a high that I become a bit silly.”

  “Who would have thought there would be a bonus to a brain tumor,” I say, sarcasm dripping from my lips.

  “Who knew,” she says. I can tell she’s getting tired and I should let her rest. I stand up and move in for another hug, knowing this will probably be the last one.

  “I love you, Phoebe.” The tears come and I don’t even try to stop them. “Just know that I can’t imagine how my life would have turned out without you—and Jake—in it. I may despise him, but I’ll always love you.” I squeeze her a little tighter because I can’t let go yet. “I’m sorry I didn’t make more of an effort to stay in touch.”

  Her body shakes as I hold her.

  “I don’t blame you, Amber. I blame my brother, but we’ve already had that conversation and I forgave him. I just hope that you can forgive him too. Not for him, but for yourself so you can move on.”

  I pull away from her and wipe my eyes. I stand to grab a tissue off the table that’s at her bedside and hand her one before taking one for myself.

  “I’m so sorry you have to deal with this, Phoe—” She interrupts me before I can continue.

  “I’m going to die and I know it. It’s just a matter of time. The thing is, I don’t want my family to put their lives on hold while taking care of me. If nothing else, I’ve learned that family, friends, and love are what is important in life. Not working ten hours a day or holding a grudge.”

  She stops and lays her head back closing her eyes for a moment. The grimace on her face and the clench of her jaw tells me she’s in serious pain. Seeing her this way cements my decision to leave to let her rest.

  “All I wish for my family and that includes you,” she says as she opens her eyes, holds up her hand, and points at me, “is for them to love and be loved.” Then she closes her eyes again and I walk away, tears streaming down my face.

  Chapter 13

  It’s been three days since Matt’s accident and he’s getting settled at home. He’s covered in purple bruises and has a nasty headache, but he’s going to be okay. I know this because I’m sitting here in the dark on his couch, with his head in my lap running my fingers through his hair. Oh, and faith. I have faith for him because he’s in so much pain that he can’t have it for himself.

  His sandy blond hair is just the right length for me to tangle my fingers in its softness. Every time I stop he grimaces with pain. “Do you want me to stop?” I ask him, my voice barely above a whisper.

  “No, it feels good. Please keep going,” he says with a drowsy lilt to his voice.

  So, I do. I keep sliding my fingers through the wavy locks until he falls fast asleep on my lap with his soft snores rising into the air.

  A little while later, I wake myself with a shake of my head. I guess I dozed off with him. Checking the clock, I slide my body out from under his head and gently lie him down, trying not to shake him very much. He moans slightly but manages to stay mostly asleep.

  I pad into the kitchen to get him a couple of acetaminophen and some water. The doctor told him to take two every four hours to keep the headache at bay. I attempt to make as little noise as possible because the headache is supposed to last a couple weeks and they told him he’d be sensitive to noise and light during that time.

  With the light sensitivity, he won’t be able to work for a while which means he’s going to go stir crazy sitt
ing at home in the dark. I offered to stay with him until he is back on his feet and he is adamant that I only stay for three days. After that I have to go home. Who knows where he came up with the three days, but instead of arguing I have Chris pack me a bag and bring it over so I won’t look like a homeless woman when I head to work.

  “Matt,” I speak in a hushed tone and lightly pat his thigh as I squat on the floor in front of the couch. “It’s time for some meds.”

  He groans before mumbling something unintelligible and placing his arm over his eyes. “Just take this and you can go back to sleep,” I say.

  “Need the facilities and then I’ll take it.” He grunts as he sits up and tries to stand before falling back down on the couch. “Son of a bitch,” he gasps.

  “Are you dizzy?” I ask before holding out my hand for him to grasp as he stands.

  “Thanks. I’ll be fine, just need to get to the bed.” I watch him shuffle to the bathroom in his bedroom. A couple minutes later, I hear the flush and water running before I see him make his way to the bed through the open door. He sits on the side before maneuvering himself to the fetal position.

  “Here,” I say holding out the tablets and a glass of water. “Take these and rest. I’m going to make some soup for us for dinner.”

  He pulls himself into a sitting position again and reaches for the meds. He tosses them in his mouth and drinks the whole glass of water before setting the cup on his nightstand. He reaches for my hand and kisses the inside of my wrist before lying back down.

  The rest of the day passes in a haze of soup making, reading, and pill delivery. Thankfully, Matt slept through most of it with only a few moans and groans. I’ve finally gathered all my stuff to take a quick shower and get ready to pass out so I’m not a total zombie at the office tomorrow, when I hear him calling my name.

  “Amber, come here, please.” Even in pain, he’s still so kind.

  “Coming,” I say, jumping a bit because I thought he was sleeping.

  I open the door and see him sitting up. “It’s late. Come to bed.”

  “I don’t want to bother you.” Yes, I want to crawl into bed with him, but I also don’t want to hurt him or cause him any more pain.

  “The only thing that will bother me is you sleeping on the couch. Now come curl up with me so I can go back to sleep.”

  “Let me finish a couple of things first,” I say, smiling at him.

  “If you’re not in this bed in a few minutes, I’ll come find you and then I’ll be really grumpy.” He chuckles and then grabs his head and groans.

  “Don’t worry, I not in the business of arguing,” I say pulling the door closed before heading back into the living area.

  After a few minutes of making sure everything is cleaned up and back in its place, I shower, brush my teeth, and head to Matt’s bedroom. I try to move like a ghost and not make any noise or let any light in, but I smack into the end of the bed and I fall flat on my face. Matt just laughs and reaches for me.

  “I wanna snuggle,” he says and I curl up next to him and let the heat of his body lull me to sleep.

  Chapter 14

  It’s been ten days since Matt came home from the hospital and he’s going stir crazy. His parents came by one day while I was at work and did some shopping and cooking for us. I’m certain he and his dad mostly hung out while his mom did her thing, but that’s what guys do.

  Actually, he’s making me want to smack him upside the head but since the headaches are still there I’ve been trying to handle him with kid gloves. Yes, this also means that I’ve spent over a week at Matt’s sleeping in his bed and generally taking over his life. I’ve done the laundry, cooked, and snuggled with him.

  “Matt,” I call out as I open the door after a long day at work. “You home?”

  “Where else would I be,” he says sarcastically. I glance up and see him lounging on the couch with his back against the arm rest and his abs on full display. The bruises are almost healed and that makes me happy. His grey joggers are low on his hips showing the beginnings of his happy trail. I smile to myself before kicking off my shoes and dropping my bag by the door before walking over to him. I bend over and plant my lips on his. He reaches up and winds his fingers through my hair before pulling me down to his lap. “Oy, don’t hurt yourself,” I say between kisses.

  I pull back, before continuing, “How was your day? You feel any better?” A quick slide to the edge of the couch allows him to get comfortable.

  “The only thing that hurts is my pride. I need to hit the gym.” He points to his abs and continues, “I’m going to get flabby if I keep this routine up.”

  “Flabby, you say? If this is the definition of flabby, then I’d be happy to have that moniker bestowed on me.” I look him up and down and a smile over takes my face. I’m not self-conscious about my looks—I think I’m pretty. I may not be a Barbie doll but my auburn hair flows in thick waves down past my bra strap and my eyes are large and brown. I work hard to stay in shape but I also eat whatever I want, within moderation.

  “These guns,” he says before holding his arm out to show me his muscles, “are losing tone every day that I don’t work them out.”

  “Well, I love your guns just the way they are,” I say before squeezing his biceps.

  “What’s for dinner,” he says. The tilt of his perfect pink lips and the crook of his eyebrow tell me that he’s definitely feeling better.

  “Well, since you asked, I think it’s your turn to cook. While you figure it out, I’m going to shower.” If he doesn’t figure it out before I get out, then I’ll just order take out from Jim’s.

  “Really? My turn?” Then I hear him mumbling under his breath before I head to the bedroom and close the door with a click. It doesn’t take me long to strip off my black and nude shift dress and hang it in the closet. I drop my panties and bra into the lingerie bag hanging on the closet door and head to the bathroom. I turn the shower on so the water warms and then click the old-school clock radio on to the local station. The music lover in me turns on the 90’s station when I’m in the shower. Between the steam from the water and the tunes I use this time to escape for a few minutes.

  I made sure to bring my eucalyptus and spearmint body wash when I went to home to pack a bag. I could only use Matt’s Irish Spring for so long before my skin felt dry and rough. I open the bottle and bend my head to take a deep whiff before pouring a liberal sized amount in my hands. I wash my whole body with my eyes closed and breathe in the minty fresh scent.

  I turn off the water and begin drying off when I hear Matt talking to someone. I drag my bra back out and put it on, then slip on some underwear before rubbing my legs down with lotion. After which I pull on my favorite pair of yoga pants and a tank top.

  Opening the door from the bedroom, I see Ryan sitting on the couch with Matt. “Hey, Ryan, how are you?” I say and walk to the kitchen for a glass of wine for myself.

  I pour a glass and peek back into the living room. Ryan’s called a couple times to check on Matt since he got home but this is the first I’ve seen him even though it’s been a revolving door of firemen and food.

  “Ryan came by to catch me up on Kyle and all the things going on at the firehouse.” I can tell that he’s anxious to get back to work.

  “That’s nice of you. How is Kyle doing?” I sit in the chair across from the sofa and curl my feet under me.

  “He’s doing well. Been home a couple days and getting settled. The women have set up a meal train so they take turns bringing him food so he doesn’t have to try to cook while balancing on crutches.” The guys begin laughing at the picture that Ryan paints of Kyle attempting to cook for himself and not spill everything.

  “Please tell me Carrigan didn’t hear about this and decide to participate.” Matt starts laughing again and tells the story of how he officially met Carrigan when she caught a bagel on fire because she thought she could put it in the oven to cook it from frozen.

  We’re all laughing so ha
rd and I don’t see him cringing, which is a good sign. “Aren’t you glad I’m capable in the kitchen and you haven’t had to rescue me yet.”

  “I’ll rescue you for the rest of our lives if you need me to.”

  Um, did he just say that? I’m not sure how to respond so I get up and grab my bag from the floor searching for my phone. “Anyone want Jim’s? I’ll call in an order.”

  “Sure,” Ryan says.

  “Thanks, Red, that sounds wonderful,” Matt says.

  “I’ll take an order of spicy buffalo wings and fries,” Ryan says. “What do you want, Matt?”

  “An order of PB&J wings and buffalo fries, please.”

  He orders my favorite fries. We both know that he won’t eat very many and I’ll end up eating them all. A few minutes later I’ve ordered their food and a garbage salad for me.

  “Done. It should be here in about forty-five minutes.”

  “Man, I can’t believe you actually ordered something called PB&J wings. I’ve seen them on the menu, but I’ve never actually eaten them. Sounds like something a chick would order,” Ryan says. He is just enough younger than us that his filter hasn’t matured.

  “I’d watch my mouth, dude. Making statements like that may get you a slap to the back of the head.”

  I open a beer for Ryan and bring Matt a glass of water and a couple of acetaminophen. I know Matt misses being at work. I decide that I’ll grab my ereader and catch up on my book while I wait for the food delivery.

  “I’m going to give you guys some shop-talk time. If you need me I’ll be in the bedroom.”

  Within minutes, I’m totally lost in the love story I’m reading. I’ve always been a romance reader because even when I felt hopeless in love—a feeling I felt often after Jake—I love love.

  I’m getting into the good part when I hear the doorbell ring. “I’ll get it,” I yell to the guys. I close my ereader and my stomach growls letting me know the food is here just in time.