Breathe: A Love’s Complicated Novel Read online

  “It depends. If I have the day off, I tend to make breakfast and get my laundry done. But when I’m working at the firehouse someone is always cooking something.”

  “I thank you for whatever yumminess that is you’re making.” My stomach growls right on cue and I can’t help but smile. It seems like the more time I spend with Matt the more I smile and laugh.

  “It’s my version of a crustless quiche. Mostly because I’m not good at crust so I don’t make it.” Waiting for the microwave to finish I watch him as he moves efficiently around the kitchen and puts the egg dish together.

  “I didn’t know quiches were that fluffy. I thought they were dense, egg concoctions that had were jiggly when you cut them.”

  He lightly stirs egg yolks into some stiff egg whites and then folds in bacon, ham and sautéed onion before spreading it in a rectangular pan. “Traditionally they are, but one of the guys from the firehouse taught me how to make this and he calls it ‘eggcentric fluff.’ As silly as it sounds, we all ask for it at work.”

  Who’d have thought a firehouse full of sexy men would ask for something as silly as ‘eggcentric fluff’ for breakfast. “Well then, I look forward to your stiff fluff,” I say.

  The microwave dings and I grab the warm mug, clasping both hands around it. There is nothing like a cup of hot tea on a cold morning.

  He slides the pan into the oven, then leans over and kisses me on the cheek. “I’m sure you’ll love it.”

  “Make yourself at home. I’m going to grab a shower while this is in the oven.”

  With my cup of tea warming my hands, I peruse the apartment. It’s not like I haven’t been here before with Carrigan, but it is the first time I’ve ventured into his bedroom. There is a closed door at the end of the hallway that is calling my name.

  Placing my free hand on the knob, I turn it slowly and hear the click of the latch. The shower is running, so I know I have a few minutes before Matt comes looking for me. I take a deep breath before pushing the door open with my eyes closed, praying he’s not hiding anything scary in this room.

  I open my eyes to a mostly empty bedroom and a snicker escapes my mouth. “Well that was anticlimactic,” I say to myself.

  From the doorway I can see the whole space. A window with basic white blinds on the far wall. The same carpet that is in the rest of the apartment is dotted with slightly greyer spots where furniture previously sat. In the corner is a pair of skis and boots.

  The water shuts off and I decide my time to poke around is over. Plus I smell the fluff calling my name. Exiting the room, I close the door behind me willing the latch not to be loud enough to clue Matt in on what I’ve been doing. It’s not that I won’t tell him, it just looks bad to be sneaking around opening things in someone else’s home.

  While I sip my second cup of tea, thoughts of Jake take over. During my time with him, I didn’t question much. I am the girl who believes in the good in people. I didn’t feel jealous or question him since I wasn’t concerned—I never gave it a thought that Jake was unfaithful to me.

  In my next relationship, I won’t be as trusting. That doesn’t mean I won’t trust, it just means I will ask questions, and pay attention to my gut when it tells me that something is off.

  I don’t hear Matt moving near me and when he places his hand on my shoulder, I jump. “I didn’t mean to startle you,” he says. “I thought you heard me.”

  “Sorry, I was lost in my own world.” I look down at the cup I’m holding and say a silent thanks that it is almost empty so it didn’t spill everywhere.

  “Everything okay,” he asks me. Turning around to face him, I smile a real, genuine smile.

  “Things are wonderful,” I respond before setting my mug down on the counter beside the stove and smile up at him, a sense of weightlessness settling on me. My pulse begins to race and I lick my lips with the need to kiss him. We lock eyes and stare at each other for a moment. The air is thick with need and uncertainty.

  Then Matt steps away to open the fridge and pulls out a loaf of bread, butter, and jam.

  “Do you want to shower before we eat? You have about twenty minutes.”

  I watch him, trying to decide if I’m reading him right. I get the feeling he’s attracted to me but is taking it slow and I appreciate that. But that doesn’t mean I’m not a bit confused. Every time I start to feel like I want to let him in a little more, he steps back—both literally and figuratively.

  “That would be great,” I say. Looking down at his clothes, I realize I don’t have anything to wear home.

  “I don’t really have anything other than my dress to put back on.” The idea of running around in a little black dress the morning after—whatever this is—isn’t my idea of fun.

  Matt continues buttering bread while he responds, “I set out another pair of sweats on the bed that you can wear home.”

  “Thanks, I’ll be quick,” I say before walking into his bedroom to collect the clothing before heading into the extra bathroom. Right now, I need a few minutes of space away from all his personal items.

  I shower quickly trying not to obsess with the fact that both of us are giving off conflicting emotions. My reactions to Matt are all over the place because I know that I’m attracted to him. What woman wouldn’t be attracted to an uber hot fireman who is an absolute gentleman? None that I know of—including me. Couple that with the lack of intimacy I’ve had for the last six months, I’m wavering between a night of sex without commitment and just letting whatever is supposed to happen, happen.

  Dressed in another set of Matt’s sweats, I wrap my hair in a towel since there isn’t a hair dryer under the sink and make my way back to the kitchen. The quiche is sitting on the stove cooling and the door to the oven is cracked. I peer inside and see the bubbling butter on the toast. My stomach growls giving away my hunger status.

  “Have a seat at the table,” Matt directs. “I’ll cut you a piece and bring the toast over momentarily.”

  So I sit and watch him fixing our plates. He brings them to the table and places one in front of me and the other next to me. Everything smells amazing and I’m gazing down at my plate when I hear the microwave ding. What else could he have made?

  The light bulb goes off when I see him pull my mug out and pick up his coffee bringing them both to the table.

  “I thought you’d want another cup while we eat.”

  I sit up a bit straighter and reach for the cup bringing it to my lips. Warmth spreads through my body as the liquid slides down my throat. Maybe it isn’t just the tea that’s warming me, but the kindness Matt shows in everything he does.

  Chapter 8

  Following my impromptu sleepover with Matt, the week moved at warp speed, which is a drastic change from dragging days and nights I previously dealt with. For a while, stress and anxiety made me a sad and miserable mess. Yes, it’s been months—six months to be exact—since I found out about Jake, but there are days that I still can’t shake it. Today is one of those. Seeing a woman standing on the steps of Holy Name Cathedral in her wedding dress on my way to the train station after work hit me in the heart. In order to combat that feeling I text Chris and ask him to meet me for a drink.

  Amber: Drinks at Jim’s?

  Chris: Sure. All okay?

  Amber: It will be.

  Chris: Does 6 work?

  Amber: Yep. See you there.

  Thankfully, I only have about a half hour to wait so I decide to head over and grab a table and do some people watching. Now more than ever, I’m so glad neither one of us moved away and we are here to provide support when it’s needed.

  “Hey,” I say a few minutes later, waving from my favorite corner. I stand and reach to him and curl myself around him for a hug.

  “Happy Friday,” he says. “How’s your week been?”

  Instead of answering straight away, I reach for my cocktail and hold it up in the universal sign of drink up. “As you can see, I’ve started without you. I also ordered some fries for
us.”

  “Well, I had a great week. We landed a couple of new contracts and we have a meeting tomorrow with a couple who want us to plan a week-long wedding celebration for them.” His face is aglow with joy and excitement, until I see the realization of what he said dim his features. More than anything Chris loves weddings and planning them, and my broken heart and canceled wedding should never change that.

  “Congrats, brother. And you know you don’t have to worry about telling me about these things. I can be excited for you and still sad for myself.”

  “Maybe you should—”

  I interrupt him before he can complete that sentence. “Don’t say it. Just don’t.”

  Chris has tried to get me to go to see someone about how I verbally beat myself up for not seeing the fraud that Jake was.

  The waitress stops by and drops the basket of buffalo wing fries covered in wing sauce and blue cheese. I can’t wait to dive into this insane deliciousness.

  “What can I get you, Chris?” Stella is pretty familiar with us. Carrigan found this place when she moved to town. Between her and Matt watching football here and their wonderful patio that’s perfect for meeting up for drinks, it’s become our unofficial hangout. Most of the staff know us and our preferences. “Beer?”

  “That sounds great, Stella. Can we also have a garbage salad to balance out all the yummy goodness that Amber has already dug into?”

  She laughs before giving us a thumbs up and heads back to the bar. Stella is such a fixture here that I can’t imagine what would happen if she decided to leave and take another job.

  Chris usually knows when it’s time to let this topic go, but today he refuses. “Sis, you really need to find someone to chat with. Mom and Dad agree with me.”

  My head snaps up from where I’m staring down at the ooey-gooey, cheesy fries. I can’t believe he’s talked to our parents about this. I’m an adult. I can do whatever the hell I want.

  “Stop.” I place my hand up in front of his face. “I get you’re worried, but talking about me and around me, isn’t going to change my mind. Ever.” The anger that is coursing through my body is manifesting itself in the fire engine red of my face. All of a sudden my ears are burning.

  Stella places Chris’s beer in front of him and walks away without interrupting us.

  Chris starts again. “We’re concerned about you and want you to be happy again.” He takes a long drink and I stare at him.

  I know I’m very fortunate to have a family who cares. But this is something I have to deal with on my own. Plus, I didn’t think about Jake the whole time I was with Matt. That’s progress, right?

  “I actually wanted to tell you about my date.”

  “What? You had a date and didn’t tell me?” His mouth is gaping open.

  “Don’t sound so shocked. I’m not a troll.” We both laugh loud and hard. Chris always teased me that trolls weren’t pretty and I should strive to be me and not a pink haired troll with a belly like the ones that lined my desk when I was a kid.

  “Details. I need all the details.” Classic Chris. He loves being in the middle of all the gossip, especially when it’s about my life.

  “The girls and I decided we’d meet up on Valentine’s Day for a ‘singles’ night.” Chris starts to interrupt me but I place my hand up in the universal sign for stop.

  “Yes, they know they aren’t single, but they were being supportive.” My girlfriends are nothing, if not a couple of powerhouses who support me in all things. Sutton is my childhood best friend who even though we don’t talk every day or even weekly, we pick up right where we left off each time we’re together.

  “Oh lord, I can only imagine what went down.” Chris spots Stella across the way and holds his hand up and nods for another round. “I have a feeling we’re going to need another one.”

  “You probably will.” About that time someone drops the salad in front of us and we both start diving in. I eat a couple more bites of roasted red peppers before continuing.

  “I was standing in line wondering where they were, when Matt walked up behind me.” My eyes glaze over as I picture Matt standing there all relaxed and sexy.

  “What was he doing there? It doesn’t seem like a place where a hunky fireman would hang out.” Chris asks, waggling his eyebrows at me.

  “Why couldn’t he be there to see me?” I ask sarcastically.

  “He could have been, but maybe he was just looking for a hook up.”

  Well, crap. Is that what he wanted? A hook up. If so, he got exactly what he was looking for, except I don’t think that was it. Actually, I know it wasn’t.

  “It was a set up. Carrigan decided that we both needed a date. She and Sutton planned the whole thing. Telling me that we were meeting up and then telling Matt to meet me there.”

  “Go girls. That was a brilliant idea.” He’s not wrong. It really was marvelous and I’m glad they did it.

  Stella sets the drinks down before hustling back to the bar. Chris sticks his fork in what’s left of my fries and then in the salad and I cringe. They don’t belong together. Gross.

  “Let’s say I had a wonderful time and hope that he calls.” I could tell him all the dirty details but he’s my brother and that isn’t something we talk about. Plus, if I don’t keep some of it to myself, my phone will be ringing before I even get home.

  I have just taken a drink when he starts in on me.

  “You’ve got to give me more than that,” he screeches. “Tell. Me. More.”

  I laugh choke at his high-pitched squeal that he does when he wants his way.

  “Nope,” I say popping the “P.” “Maybe another time.”

  Crossing his arms over his chest like a petulant child, Chris tries not to smile. But he can’t stop the grin from overtaking his beautiful face.

  “Fine, but don’t think I’m letting this go,” he says.

  “I wouldn’t dream of it.” Chris is a great brother, even if he is a busy body.

  Chapter 9

  Three Months Later

  “Cannon-balllllll,” Chris screams and he soars into the heated pool.

  We’ve been having the same party every year since we graduated from high school and it starts the same way each time. Chris doing a cannonball into Mom and Dad’s pool and sending a wave of water sloshing all over the deck. I never understood his need to make a big splash, but that’s kind of been his M.O. our whole lives.

  “Oh, Chris,” Mom says, half scolding and half laughing while she places a tray of fruit on the table for us to eat.

  “Thank you, Mrs. Burke,” Matt says to my mom. “Can I help you with anything?”

  “Oh, honey, I’ve got this. Go hang out with the guys.” She brushes him off and heads back into the house to get the burgers ready for the grill.

  “Yo, Matt. You’re up. Time to show us what you’ve got,” Kevin says.

  Matt doesn’t wait or even do more than grunt at the guys before he’s running to the pool. He jumps and pulls his knees up at the same time and makes a splash that I’ve no doubt beats the rest of the guys.

  “MATTTT,” Carrigan screams at him from her lounger. “You know better than to get me wet.”

  The guys look at each other and start belly laughing. Then I hear Whit pipe up, “Yeah, dude, that’s my job,” and he slaps him on the shoulder.

  And this is the way it’s supposed to be. Friends celebrating the beginning of summer. In the last year, we’ve all gotten to be a really close and it’s nice. For years, I only had a couple of friends and . . . Jake. But now that he’s out of the picture, I’m trying to make sure to keep the connection with this bunch no matter who I’m dating.

  Fate intervened in my life at the right time when Carrigan interviewed and got the job at the law firm I work at. I knew she wasn’t a long timer and would be gone fast, but I couldn’t anticipate she’d be working for my brother and become one of my closest friends.

  It’s a gorgeous, warm day and I’m perched on the lounger the furthest
away from the pool and the trees to get my first bit of color. Chicago is a great place to live but by the time May rolls around I’m dying for some sun both in my life and on my skin. I’ve always looked so much healthier with a bit of a tan. It’s a delicate balance being a red-head who has fair skin and being able to tan not burn. Each year I start with a slight pink hue that turns brown as the summer goes. By the end, my hair is strawberry blond and I have the perfect caramel colored skin.

  The guys, one-by-one, heft themselves out of the pool. Biceps bulging and water rivulets run down their washboard abs pull my stare right at them. They’re all in great shape and the only difference is the number of abs I can count and how deep is the “V” on their hips. Ryan’s new to the party this year. He and Matt work together at the firehouse and hang out on the weekends watching football during the season.

  Carrigan and I prop up in our chairs to ogle the men. Our swimsuits are made up of crisscrossing strings that cover the most important parts of our bodies. As an almost thirty-year-old single female, my body is still in pretty good shape. Yes, I drink a lot and love nachos, but I also walk all over the city and try to get a couple of long runs in each week. I may not be strong but my jeans from high school still fit, so I’m not complaining.

  “What are you guys planning to do tomorrow?” I ask Chris while he stands in front of me shaking his wet hair at me like a dog.

  “Not much, we’re just hanging around and may try to catch a movie or something.”

  Matt turns to me from where he is standing and smirks. I smile back at him and try not to squirm in my chair. He really is the hottest thing around.

  “I think we’re supposed to have a cold front move through tomorrow evening, so it’s more rain and back down into the forties.” Kevin may be a banker but he has this odd fascination with the weather.