Breathe: A Love’s Complicated Novel Read online

  “Well then, I guess we’re fortunate today has been nice. I mean it’s not hot but it’s been nice to get some sun.” Carrigan raises her eyebrows over the magazine she is reading and smiles at me.

  The guys are sitting under the patio with a beer in their hands. Ryan gets up to grab the chips and sits back down.

  “Hey, why didn’t you get some for us?” Matt shouts at him and bops him on the head, while reaching over and grabbing the bag from him. Pretty soon the bag is flying all over the place with chips soaring through the air, landing everywhere. Who knew that grown men still played keep away?

  Whit walks over and tunes the radio to a local top forty station. Years ago, after the pool was built, Dad had surround sound installed outside. I guess they decided that if we were going to hang out here and play our music he wanted it to be one thing at a time and not competing boom boxes.

  Between the warmth of the sun and staring at Matt’s smoking hot body, I decide I’ll take this opportunity to cool off. “Hey, Carrigan,” I say to my friend who’s lost in a magazine. “I’m going to take a dip while the guys are fighting over the chips. You coming?”

  I stand up making sure that everything is covered and make my way to the water. Taking one step into the pool, I realize it’s still pretty cool, even with the heater running, and the only way I’m going to get more than one foot in is to follow Chris’s lead. So I step back out and make my way to the deep end and jump straight in. A quick bounce off the bottom and I swim toward the shallow end. About the time I break the surface, all the guys are jumping in around me.

  Standing up, I attempt to flip my hair back like a wanna be model and wipe the water from my eyes. What actually happens is half my hair doing the pretty flip and the other half is stuck to my face. While I’m trying to remove all the wet hair from my face, I feel Matt slide up behind me pulling me tight against him.

  I slap at him and laughing. “Stop,” I squeal as he slides his big hands south to my bottoms. “Someone will see you.”

  Matt laughs at me and I can feel his head look left and right. “No one is watching us. They’re all doing their own thing.”

  I turn around and press myself up against his hard body and put my arms around his neck leaning in for a kiss. He lets me get away with a sweet peck before he takes it to the next level devouring my lips. Moments later we’re a tangle of tongues with his hands roaming all over my backside. One of the guys catches us and starts cat-calling.

  “I think we just outed ourselves,” I say laughing at him.

  Matt smiles back at me then pulls away and gives me one more kiss before whispering in my ear, “You make me so hot,” then he swims away to spray the guys with water. For the next couple of hours we laugh and hang in the pool.

  The sun is low in the sky and we’re getting close to sunset when everyone begins to bail out of the pool. Dad must have noticed and taken that as his cue to start cooking. He opens the door and comes out with the cheesy apron that he’s been wearing for years. It gives the illusion of a paunchy, old hairy guy with a nipple ring. Let’s just say I never want to know if my dad has a nipple ring. The thought makes me shudder.

  “What’s everyone having? Cheese or no cheese? Onion or no onion? Is medium good?” He doesn’t even stop to take a breath as he puts the plates down. One with burger patties and one with cheese and onions.

  “All the way. Cheese and onion please,” comes a myriad of voices. It’s well known that if Dad is cooking, you don’t really have options. His specialty is grilled burgers with onions and cheese. Even if onions aren’t your preference, you’ll love Dad’s burgers. Promise.

  Carrigan and I throw on our cover-ups and join the guys at the picnic table. The later in the day it gets, the cooler the air becomes. It won’t be long until it will be dark and time for a fire.

  Whit gets up and comes to stand behind Carrigan and kisses the top of her head. He may not be my favorite person, but I can tell he’s trying really hard to love her the way she needs. As long as she’s happy, I’ll be happy for them.

  She leans into him and I can see her relax. I’m not sure what’s got her so tense today, but I know she’s stressed because she’s been quieter than normal.

  “I’m going to grab a sweater from inside, anyone need anything?” I ask.

  “Nah, we’re good. Thanks for asking,” Matt answers for all the guys and gives me a small smile.

  It’s interesting how he makes me feel all these months later. I still get the butterflies that everyone talks about when they describe love, but at the same time I’m overcome with the full body shakes that lead up to my anxiety attacks when I think about defining whatever we are. It’s like my heart and my body are at war with each other.

  My room is at the front of the house on the opposite side of the kitchen so I take my time and try to catch my breath. I grab a black sweater and a pair of fleece joggers. The sun has warmed my skin to the point of a slight burn and that’s what’s causing my chill. One look in the mirror and I’m shocked at the redness. I decide to rinse my face and add a bit of moisturizer before heading back out.

  By the time, I make it outside the burgers are off the grill and Dad is setting the platter in the middle of the table.

  “You’re just in time. If you were much longer, these guys would have eaten everything.”

  Mom slaps him on the back. “Charles, let them be and come back in the house. Your job is done.”

  Mom opens the door and points inside, then off he goes following Mom’s directions. There was a time when I would have hated having my parents around, but as we get older, both Chris and I appreciate their support and willingness to let us continue our pool party traditions.

  The conversation buzzes around me. The guys are talking over each other as Carrigan tries to get my attention. “Earth to Amber,” she says. “Are you okay?”

  I shake my head no and try to come back to the present. “I’m good,” I say, trying to shake off the odd feeling that’s niggling around inside me.

  When I get stressed, or anxious I find myself trying to quiet my mind and in turn I go down a road I should stay away from.

  Thankfully, Carrigan changes the subject. “So, what’s the plan for your birthday? Party or dinner out?”

  “Same as last year. Dinner at Lemon and Lavender on Saturday night.” There are certain things that should not change and that is dinner at my favorite restaurant to celebrate my coming into this world.

  “That sounds great. I haven’t eaten there yet, but I’ve heard great things about the food.”

  “I promise you won’t be disappointed.”

  The conversation changes to summer and what everyone’s planning to do. Kevin said he’d like for them to take a weekend away at some point. The look he gives Chris makes me crack up because we know who is in charge in this relationship—and it’s not my brother. Carrigan comments that she’s going to spend some time in Boston with Whit. Her face glows with the love she has for him. Matt and Ryan both comment that it depends on what their work schedules are like.

  By the time dinner is over and we’ve cleaned up our messes, it’s late and everyone starts to head home.

  “Thanks for inviting me,” Matt says as he walks toward the front door holding my hand.

  “You’re welcome anytime,” I respond. Even though we had a great time Valentine’s Day and we’ve been hanging out more, I’ve not really advertised it to anyone until today. I know part of it is Chris’s comment about Matt looking for a hook up and knowing that I was an easy mark that night.

  “I have a couple of days off this week if you want to have dinner . . .” he says as the words trail off.

  I step into him and plant a soft kiss on his lips before stepping back. “Of course, I’d like to go to dinner with you. Just let me know when and where.”

  He blinks a couple of times before reaching for my sweater and pulling me to him. His neck bends and his warm breath lingers just above my lips before his lips caress mine.
>
  My body loosens as he deepens the kiss, our tongues twisting together. He suddenly steps apart and smiles.

  “Maybe we can do that again this week,” he says and winks as he shuts the door behind him.

  Chapter 10

  Lemon & Lavender is the exact opposite of most of the restaurants in Chicago. Instead of walking into a dark and wood filled setting, you walk into light and bright. As in the name, the colors are bright yellow and the palest of lavender with all the wood work painted white and lighting that mimics sunlight during the day. In the evening, the light is turned down and it feels as though you’re eating al fresco at sunset.

  I’ve been celebrating my birthday here for the last couple of years and it’s become my own tradition. In the back room sits a large farmhouse table that seats around twenty but I request it anyway. It’s so nice to have a place to celebrate and not have to worry about the noise we’re making.

  I’m the first to arrive and greet Helene. “Good evening, Helene, I have a reservation tonight. It’s under Amber Burke.”

  “Happy birthday, Ms. Burke,” she says before leaning in to give me a hug. “We’re glad to have you back again this year.”

  “Thanks so much. I’m sure everyone will be arriving soon. I thought I’d come a bit early and have a drink.”

  My eyes scan the bar and it looks a bit crowded so I point toward the back room. “I think I’ll head to the table,” I say.

  “Sure, I’ll have your waiter meet you back there.”

  I make my way through the already crowded restaurant to the beautiful space. The table has tiny bud vases filled with deep pink peonies running down the center. I place my jacket and purse on a chair in the middle against the wall so I can see everyone as they walk in.

  I’m lost in my own world, remembering how Jake proposed to me here last year in front of all my friends and family. I shake off the anxiousness and remind myself that I’m not going to let him get in my head tonight.

  “Miss,” I hear as if the person is whispering. “Can I get you a drink?”

  I raise my eyes to see the most beautiful blond man in front of me. He’s wearing an olive green T-shirt that shows off his strong arms. Couple that with a pair of dark jeans and boots, and I just may fall at his feet.

  “Matt, what are you doing here so early?” I stand and walk around the table to give him a hug, but he pulls me tight to him and kisses me long and hard.

  “Thank you for coming,” I say, stepping back and placing my hand on my lips.

  “Of course, I wouldn’t miss this for anything, Red.” His smile lights up a room like no other.

  “I’m going to step out for a moment, would you order me a drink when the waiter comes?”

  “Sure, what’s your pleasure tonight?”

  “Vodka soda please.” I give him a slight smile before heading to the bathroom. I walk in and check the stalls to make sure I’m alone. I don’t want to have an attack with others watching me.

  I stare at myself in the mirror and start my pep talk. “You can do this, Amber. Tonight is supposed to be fun. Don’t let your past dictate your future.”

  I take a deep breath and focus on my reflection in the mirror. My cheeks are flushed and my lipstick is a bit smudged.

  A quick turn of the faucet and cool water comes out. I put a hand towel under the water and ring it out before placing it on the back of my neck and focus on my breathing. In. Out. In. Out.

  You probably think I’m crazy, being so anxious about my own birthday get together, and you’re not wrong. I’m not crazy by definition, but I know that I’m allowing someone to control me when they’re not in my life anymore. It’s wrong and I’m determined to get over it.

  I can’t spend all night in here so I straighten my black sheath dress and finger comb the loose curls back into place and try to hide the damp spot.

  Let’s be real, I may be a mess on the inside, but on the outside, I’m far from it. My fire engine red, t-strap, peep toe Jimmy Choos are perfect to balance out the classic little black dress. A long gold necklace hangs down between my breasts tied in a knot.

  “Here I go,” I say to my reflection before departing the ladies’ room for a night of celebration with fabulous friends.

  As I exit the hallway near the back room, I’m greeted by a myriad of boisterous voices that come from my friends and family. I walk in and am overwhelmed by hugs and greetings of “happy birthday.”

  After a round of drinks and chatting, we all make our way to the table for dinner. There isn’t any need to make decisions as I order in advance a variety of appetizers and main dishes to be served family style.

  It’s nice to be able to spend time with everyone who means something to me. I don’t get much time with Sutton, but we keep up via text and always see each other for the important moments. I’m even glad to see Whit because that means Carrigan is here also.

  Matt gets up and brings a small bag over to where I’m sitting. He leans over and whispers in my ear, “I’ve got to run, because someone didn’t show up for shift. Open this when you get home,” then he gives me a kiss on the cheek and heads out.

  The girls all give me the face—you know the one your best friends give when they realize you’ve been keeping something from them. That face. Half smirk and half expectant. I don’t respond but just smile at them and take a bite of the best cheesecake that I’ve ever had. Who knew a lemon and lavender cheesecake would be so good?

  The meal was scrumptious and the drinks are flowing. I can’t keep up with all the conversation, but I know that this is exactly what I needed. I’ve laughed so hard that I almost peed myself more than once. If that isn’t the mark of an amazing night, then I don’t know what is.

  A couple hours later I’m a little tipsy and realize that we’ve been here much longer than I planned.

  “Thank you so much, everyone, for coming tonight. I am so grateful for each of you and what you’ve brought to my life.” I stand holding onto the table and raise my water glass up in a mock toast. There is a chorus of “salute” from everyone before we begin to say our good-byes.

  The combination of alcohol and high heels is never a good one, I think as I walk to the door, even for a woman who wears them on the regular. There are too many things out of our control that may cause a mishap. And just as I think that, my heel catches on the carpet and I pitch forward into Jake. What the hell? Why is jackass Jake here?

  “What the fuck?” Well, this night is getting better and better. You hear the note of sarcasm, right?

  “Happy birthday, Amber,” he says.

  I push myself off him and stand back. It’s odd that standing in a restaurant full of people, I feel trapped. I start walking toward the front door, knowing that I don’t want to cause a scene in the middle of Lemon & Lavender or they won’t allow me back next year.

  A group of people are coming in as I try to exit the building so I’m able to dart through the crowd while Jake is stuck behind them. I walk to the corner and hold my hand up for a cab. Of course, there isn’t a cab in sight, so I request an Uber from the app on my phone and hope there is one close by. Three minutes. I can handle three minutes. Request done.

  I turn to see if he’s made it out the door yet when we lock eyes. Damn, why did he have to spoil something else for me.

  “Amber, wait,” he says. “Please, I’m here because Phoebe asked me to come.”

  I can’t believe he would bring his sister into this. I may not talk to him anymore but Phoebe and I do keep in touch. “Why would Phoe ask you to come see me?”

  He runs his fingers through his long and shaggy hair. I used to think it was super sexy when he did this. Maybe he’s nervous, but he also knows that in the past I had a hard time resisting him when he coupled this move with a smirk. “She’s sick, Amber.”

  Phoe isn’t sick. We just chatted last week and she didn’t say anything. She would have told me if something was wrong.

  “She has a brain tumor. She’s been having headaches
for a couple months and finally went to the doctor. Her GP sent her to Northwestern for an MRI and she hasn’t come home. They aren’t giving her much time and she wants to see you.”

  Jake stopped talking about the time my ride pulls up. I need to go, but I also need to talk to him.

  “Amber?” the driver asks through the open window.

  “Yes,” I respond, then I open the door. Before I climb inside the car, I turn to Jake and say, “My ride is here, I need to go. Please tell Phoe I’m thinking about her and will come visit soon.”

  Moments later the driver pulls away from the curb and I’m on my way home.

  Well, that was an interesting birthday. Finding out about Phoebe’s illness sobers me up real fast. I decide to text her before I forget.

  Amber: Phoe, are you okay? Jake just ambushed me as I was leaving a dinner party.

  Phoebe: Happy birthday, Amber.

  Phoebe: Actually, I asked him to come see you because I didn’t want to do this over the phone.

  What? Was he telling the truth?

  Amber: He said you’re in the hospital and you have a brain tumor. Is that the truth?

  Phoebe: Yeah, it is.

  Amber: Are you okay?

  Amber: Don’t answer that, of course you’re not okay.

  Tears stream down my cheeks and fall onto my dress as I stare at my phone feeling helpless. The only thing I know about brain tumors is that people die from them.

  Phoebe: The doctors are taking good care of me.

  Amber: I’m so sorry . . .

  Phoebe: I’m in room 10123 if you’d like to stop by. I’d love to see you.

  I try to find the words, but I can’t figure out what they would be. So, I just sit there in the back of the car, with a stranger driving me home glaring at my phone.

  Chapter 11

  My phone startles me from a dead sleep. “Huh. What?” I mutter to myself as I reach for the phone and look at the screen. Three in the morning. Never a good time to get a call.